OVERVIEW OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION CONFLICT AS OPPORTUNITY

For the most part, our responses to conflict are negative. We view it as something to be avoided when it comes from others, and destructive when it comes from ourselves. When we are recipients, we try to escape, injure the other, deny or minimize the problem that created it. When we are perpetrators, we want to express our anger or hurt the other person so we can let go of it. It is rare that we think of conflict as something positive. Yet all growth creates conflict. So does change. If we look at conflict as an opportunity for growth, change, improved understanding, intimacy, improvement, communication, or reconciliation, we may be able to approach it with the goal of learning, rather than aiming for self-protection or the infliction of pain. Avoidance and anger are often seen as the only possible responses to conflict. Either I have to walk away and keep my mouth shut, or I have to become enraged and yell or scream. Yet between these options lie an almost infinite variety of responses that are difficult to think of while we are busy trying to escape or responding in kind. The first step in seeing conflict as opportunity is learning how to avoid the “fight and flight” response and look for something in- between. One way to achieve this is by listening. “Active listening” techniques are based on the realization that conflict is a request for communication. One purpose of anger is to get through to the other person so they can finally hear what you are saying. By establishing eye contact, asking openended questions, clarifying, summarizing, reframing, and other similar techniques we learn more about what made the other person angry, but we also sidestep escalation by not responding in kind or running away, but trying to find out where the anger came from. Another technique is withhold your response, to realize that the angry person needs to vent, and refuse to take whatever is said personally. Understand that the other person is angry at what you did. If they don’t approve of who you are, they are entitled to their opinion but that should not make the least difference to you. It is our own fragility that makes us angry or defensive. The largest part of anger, in fact, has nothing whatsoever to do with the person it is directed against, but their actions, or to self-anger which is re-directed outside. A third step in seeing conflict as opportunity consists in stating clearly and without rancor, our own needs and self-interests. Giving in to anger only encourages it, cheapens the victory for the other side, and permits the other person to maintain a collapsed view of your integrity. Asking for what you want or need is essential to convert the expression of anger into a bilateral statement of needs and desires so that negotiation can take place between equals. A fourth step is to clearly state the problem. This appears easier than it actually is, since the presenting problem may not express the underlying reasons for its existence or continuation. As long as the focus is on gaining the other persons attention or saying what you want or need, no dialogue is possible. To have a dialogue, there must be a single agreed upon point of reference. This may be a neutralized and impartial statement of the issue, or what the conflict is about. © Kenneth Cloke 23 A fifth step is to list the alternative ways the problem might be solved. Most people assert only one, which is their position, or how they would like to resolve it. Conflict becomes opportunity at the movement when the dialogue shifts from positions (what you want) to interests (why you want it). The reason is that interests are rarely mutually exclusive and can be satisfied in multiple ways, whereas positions are nearly always in opposition and represent only one of many possible outcomes. Positions are cognitive traps that narrow thinking, perception, and the range of possible outcomes. Interests broaden these and focus on the future rather than the past. A sixth step is to look for criteria or standards, or rules for resolving the dispute fairly. Criteria allow anger to shift into problem solving. Other useful techniques include focusing on the problem, not on the person; look to the future rather than the past; attempt to satisfy the other parties interests as well as your own, and attempt to be generous, or at least willing to compromise. This will be easier if you have already been clear about stating what you need. Generosity in any area will be most often matched by escalating generosity on the other side, just as anger escalates in the opposite direction. There are many other steps in the process of negotiating, problem-solving, mediation, overcoming impasse, clarifying areas of agreement and closure, but these only affect the degree of opportunity that can be created. It is more important to understand the nature of the opportunity that conflict creates. Conflict creates opportunities for several kinds of increased communication, intimacy and understanding. These have to do with the other, the self, the subject or content of the dispute, the relationship between them, and the nature of conflict itself.

1. The Other: Conflict allows for a deepening of empathy and intimacy with the other. This is often the case in families, but also at the workplace, with neighbors and organizations. Anger collapses the “other” into a stereotyped villain, while dialogue resurrects the human side of their personality.

2. The Self: Conflict allows for growth, realization and self-improvement, which anger and shame defeat. We may recognize that our behavior is not having the effect on others that it is intended to have, or that we need to take greater responsibility for our lives, or that we are capable of more than we think. Most important is that we feel empowered when we are able to overcome our problems and weakened when we either run from them or fight back. Victory in anger can be a source of defeat when we recognize the impact we have had on others and ourselves.

3. The Subject of the Dispute: Conflict is an opportunity to learn more about what doesn’t work in order to be able to fix it. Solutions depend on problems that depend on communication, which depends on halting the escalation and seeing the opportunity within the conflict. Different, even opposing points of view help create a larger and more varied picture of the problem, which leads to a richer, more comprehensive and effective solution.

4. The Relationship: Having gained understanding of the other, the self and the problem, there is still the interaction between them to be considered. A husband and wife may have a conflict over where to live, but the reason the conflict escalated may have more to do with the history and quality of their © Kenneth Cloke 24 relationship, the way they communicate their needs and their secret expectations for the relationship than with anything else. These are opportunities to improve the relationship, which will help prevent future conflicts.

5. The Nature of Conflict: Awareness of process, of how we get angry, along with why or with whom, allows us to reach a deeper level of understanding of the conflicts we experience repeatedly, and be less inclined to fight or flight. This is the “opportunity of opportunities”, which allows us to gain insight into our feelings and actions and those of others, so that we can prevent conflicts from escalating to the point where opportunity becomes hidden. Thus, conflict can be a source of communication, intimacy and understanding leading to personal growth, better relationships and greater insight into how we might handle our own conflicts proactively, positively and preventatively, rather than allowing them to handle us. We can learn to look on conflict as a challenge rather than a burden, as something positive, with enormous potential, and even to anticipate with pleasure the next chance to turn conflict into an opportunity for positive change.

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