I am always fascinated with Life. It seems to me that it is a complete graph, and you just move from one node to another. Sometime you may get stuck in a loop and sometime everything could be the unknown. Likewise it seems like death is always one node away from you. And so is heart break.
I travelled to Kathmandu for engineering entrance exam preparation. The aim was to get into Pulchowk. I had zero clue about anything else. There were other few from my college, SOS Gandaki. Kripa and I were in same section in our +2 and also happened to be in the same PEA section. The interesting thing was that she and I had pretty much similar marks in our +1 and +2. I never knew how to communicate with girls so I had never built a friendship with her but still it was good to have known face around. I had set a particular goal of getting 100 to 200 IOE rank, which I knew was achievable.
Gradually, I was improving on my rank in the weekly papers which was positive. The entrance date was set and the nervous energy started to build on me so I put more efforts. Finally I received my admit card and my center was St. Xavier’s College, Maitighar. I was really happy with that. The exam went really good. I was fairly confident that I will be able to achieve my goal. But in the next day, the news about the question paper being leaked were out. The popular opinion was that IOE had never canceled an exam and this won’t change.
Finally, after few weeks re exam was fixed, this time my center was Advance Engineering College. I felt that it didn’t go as good as previous one but it was not bad. When the results came out, my rank were no where near what I expected. For first few minutes I was on denial, it can’t happen, there must be some error. And the phone rang, it was Kripa who was calling me. I picked the phone and she asked, “Hey what’s your rank?” when I replied her I realized that it is the truth, I am not getting into Pulchowk. And my heart broke into pieces.
I felt this ineffable pain. Everyone was trying to console me, but I wanted to escape. When the sun disappeared under the hills, I climbed the stairs to the water tank and tears started rolling. After some time looking into the stars, I remembered a 13 year boy who slept in his bed and woke up in a hospital bed, with a pipe inserted into his left nostril, little itchy patches sticked to his chest with wires connected to a machine, an IV in left hand carrying saline water, and an IV in the right leg carrying blood. He just wanted to get up and see more life. So I just said to myself I have been through this and I can handle this. But I don’t know why it hurt more than anything else I had gone through my life. I am still able to get back to the moment and feel that pain. Life has moved on yet that pain is one node away from me.