One common mistake beginners often make is setting goals for others whose success they deeply care about. Here are examples of such goals that I frequently see people setting:
Make my son score above 90% in JEE exam and get admission from a top class engineering college
Make my wife to find a job and earn money so she can financially support me
While these goals may seem wise and beneficial for their loved ones' lives, the chances of achieving them are slim. This is because the primary beneficiary or contributor to these goals is not the person setting them. When we establish goals and make plans, we must be the primary beneficiary and have complete control over execution and plan changes.
In the above examples, you rely on others, which can lead to unnecessary friction in relationships and create adverse conditions. It's essential to focus on goals where you have direct control and can be the primary driver of their success.
So how do we handle these goals? We really care about their success and want to do something for them. We can follow these three steps to set up a goal which can benefit both of you as well as have a higher chance of achieving it.
Understand their priority → Analyse the benefits and contributions → Rewrite a fully controllable goal
Let's see how we can apply these steps to the first goal, which is to "Make my son score above 90% in the JEE exam and get admission to a top-class engineering college.
Step 1: Understand the priority
Before the setting this goal talk to your son about his wish and what success mean to him. May be he too wanted to be a engineer or a different profession like artist, lawyer etc. Or it is possible they don’t have a clarity about their future but they they might have a vague idea about it. Talk to them and help them clarity about their future and priorities it. Give him the opportunity to learn and build his own experience.
Step 2: Analyse the benefits
Your son is the primary benefiter of the goal. because the getting in to good college can give a minimum guarantee of successful life if they follow the path without diversion. At the same time you will also benefited because the merit seats won’t cost you much. So you don’t need a big fund to support your son’s education. So on this goal, you have control on managing the fund. where as getting into a good engineering college and scoring good is in the control of your son. You can only help him on finding the good college but your primary focus must be on making the fund ready for the eduction.
Step 3: Where you can contribute
As a good goal setter you must be always ready for the worst case too. What if he don’t score well? In such a case then you options would be getting a self-finance seat which will cost you big. May be it is a tough goal, but given the importance of this goal, you can priorities this over the other. You can setup a goal for making a education fund for your son to get a self-finance seat.
Communicate your plan with your soon and tell him you are ready for the worst case too. This will help him to prepare for the exam stress free and if he manage to get a seat in merit then the funding can be better utilised or you can spend on your other goals
Now, let's consider the second goal, which is "I want my wife to find a job and earn a salary so she can take financial responsibility for the family." This goal not only serves a purpose but also suggests a plan (finding a job) for your partner. Therefore, it's crucial to understand your partner's priorities well and proceed only if they are willing to pursue a career. If not, you can postpone this goal until they are ready.
Moreover, the purpose of this goal is to reduce your financial burden, which you should openly discuss with your partner. They may have other ideas as well. Perhaps she wants to start her own business or freelance in a skill she enjoys.
In summary, as responsible parents or partners, we should take the time to understand our loved one's goals and figure out how we can help contribute to their success. Setting a goal based solely on our perspective may not be wise. Instead, we need to find a balance between the benefits of our contribution. Good communication and love can work wonders in this regard.
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