Catch phrases and succinct commands are go-tos in my parenting arsenal, particularly with my boys. If there is something that is regularly expected, it is helpful to practice a uniform reminder that immediately brings to mind the required behavior.

Think about the phrases that you learned as a child that still call to mind specific behaviors like, “Stop. Drop. And roll.” Maybe your phrases won’t be quite as pithy or iconic, but you can use this concept to help with just about any habit (though, keep in mind, you can’t work on all the habits at once!).

Sometimes it helps for this to be in the form of a question to make them work towards the habit itself rather than simply the habit of obeying Mom and Dad only when they remind you. “What do you do with your shoes when you get home?” “Where do your toys go when you are finished playing with them?” “What do we say when...”

And children need to be told something approximately 4 million times, give or take, to truly learn it. So, repeating yourself over and over doesn’t indicate you are doing things wrong. Keep at it, and you’ll be doing it right.

Make eye contact.

That said, it doesn’t do any good to repeat yourself using your new phraseology if your child isn’t actually hearing you.

Short phrases help, but if the first attempt doesn’t break through, you must immediately make eye contact before repeating yourself. You can say their name firmly followed by a touch and then if necessary, physically turn their body or head to look you in the eyes.

Then you can use your words certain that they are hearing you.

Consistency: the hill to die on.

You must follow-through consistently, so be sure that the behavior you request of your child is a hill you are ready to die on, because die you must if you want them to listen next time.

My standards in many areas dropped with children 4 and 5, not because I was tired (even though I was) but because their temperaments were so different from my older three that I found it was better to simply expect less in order to maintain consistency and follow-through.

I got very good at intentionally phrasing things as a request they were free to say no to. Just be sure not to phrase it as a request when no isn’t an option.

Do the work and suffer the consequences with them.

Don’t bother saying something if you aren’t going to put in the work. When they are small, it often entails doing the thing with them, maybe physically guiding them in the action. Maybe it means holding a screaming child through a tantrum. Maybe it means leaving the “fun” of a party, either temporarily or for the night.

It is no fun in the short term, but remember, you are playing a long game here.

Keep it positive.

It is infinitely more effective to give a positive “Do” command than a “Don’t.”

WALK! (not “don’t run”)

Toddlers will definitely struggle to comprehend the “not” of a command and will hear, “Don’t touch,” as “Touch.” But even once they outgrow that confusion of language, I find that older kids still more quickly respond to the positive rather than the negative.

It was gratifying to go to the pool where my oldest was life guarding and hear him yelling “WALK!” to the children there.

The do-over.

What if they don’t comply on the first try? Or what if they comply with a disrespectful air that isn’t in the true spirit of obedience? Then we practice with a do-over.

“Okay, let’s try that again. This time...” stand up straight, don’t stomp, do it without eye rolling, use kind voice, etc...

Use humor.

Obviously, we don’t want to mock our children or make them feel like we are laughing at their expense. Children will vary in their sensitivity, and you will have to keep this in mind. But a little silliness and joking to lighten a correction can help keep your relationship positive after the conflict of correction. It can help communicate that this is a cooperation rather than an exercise of authoritarianism.

We are all in this growing in holiness thing together. Humor is a relatively easy way to exercise grace.

What works for one may not work for another.

We must keep in mind that our children are born whole people. Each one comes with their own unique temperament, gifts, and challenges. Sometimes our children are highly sensitive to things that don’t bother us. It can be easy to dismiss these differences because of their size. Some kids are a just little quirky and might just need the tags cut out of their shirt and a little extra patience. With others, neurodivergence is at play, and we may need to mindfully adjust our expectations and celebrate victories of a different kind. Sadly they don’t come with manuals, but through grace and trial and error, we can find ways to help our child be his or her best self.

Don’t take your child’s actions personally.

This is one of the hardest principles of parenting to master, but it is also the one that will bring you the most peace. Your child’s actions are not about you. When we take what they do as a personal affront, we lose perspective and enter a place of reaction rather than correction. When you exercise this detachment, you have the space to practice your role as guide without becoming a slave to your own passions in the moment. If I could only tell young parents one thing to start working on early, it would be this!

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