I have always suffered with abandonment. I was the only known child & my parents died 8 months apart when I was 9 yrs. Old. So I was really terrified & I think went totally inwards.
Before they died though, it was bad too. They would leave me alone at night & I would stare out the picture window feeling sick & scared & hoping every car that turn down the road was them coming home. I was 7 yrs. Old. Sometimes I would go in her closet and finger a dress and smell her perfume to feel safe. The night my dad died I was home alone & The sheriff came to the door.the phone was buried in pillows so as not to wake me I guess. Sheriff left & came back. It was a horrible night.
Then mom got sick & I got sent to a camp for weeks and was terrified. I was bullied there & scared all the time.
Long story short- The last time I saw her her stomach was covered in silver zinc with six holes the size of quarters dilled in her stomach and her skin was orange. It was at the male clinic. I think I fainted. She died 3 days later.
My childhood was basically nothing more than one long nightmare. I honestly don’t remember feeling anything but fear.
Then at 12? I found alcohol & boy! Did That ever help.!! (Not) so then I began my journey into being a ‘bad child’.
I can’t fix the bottom of this page. It won’t let me. Oh well. And so it went my whole life. More & more abandonment. I don’t think that’s fixable -