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anou g

a brief look into my mind

⁠

stream of consciousness

people and places

things collapse

another decision gone wrong

who gave him so much power

⁠

power

an example of weight:

for some,

much more difficult to lose

than to gain.

for many, no matter

how hard you try

the illusion of equality,

a fair chance

doesn’t exist.

⁠

exist

to exist is to do what, exactly?

to work a nine-to-five

to care for her three kids

and her deadbeat husband?

no, that doesn’t seem quite right.

“the suicide rate among adolescents

and young adults

aged 10–24 in the United States

increased 57.4%

from 6.8 per 100,000 in 2007

to 10.7 in 2018”

oh, those poor kids;

what could possibly drive

a ten-year-old

to take his own life?

maybe you’re the fucking problem.

⁠

problem

hey,

long time no-see!

been away? where?

oh. sorry.

[first rule: can’t ask where. won’t like the answer.]

hey,

long time no-see!

how’s it going?

no, like how’s it really going,

not some non-answer.

of course, who wouldn’t listen?

[second rule: wrong question.

you. you didn’t listen.]

⁠

listen

twenty pounds

would love to lose

who wouldn’t? don’t lie.

when prompted with: “would you rather

gain or lose twenty pounds?”

there’s no hesitation

was it worth it?

⁠

worth it

the world is dying and so are we

⁠

we are worth

every one of those stars.

optimal compatibility, they’ll say.

what good does it do

if they aren’t happy?

eyes flecked with optimism,

lingering hope, overshadowed

by a dominant love.

look forward with me;

we are all we have,

all we need.

⁠

need

how much of reality do we need?

like,

how diluted can it become

before our lack of understanding

becomes problematic? not only

for others, but

for ourselves?

is it even possible to lose touch with reality?

like,

sure,

psychosis, dissociation, all of that.

but isn’t that still a reality for that person?

how can i help?

how badly do you need

me to reveal the situation

before you lose yourself

and take me with you?

please come back.

⁠

come back

we can’t bring it back.

look what you’ve done.

in fact, i bet you don’t

even realize, or care

to realize, how badly

you’ve fucked up.

well, i guess you’ll

find out

when consequences hit.

it’s just karma.

⁠

karma

every calorie in

will stay in.

it takes 5 minutes for you

to eat 500 calories,

but the time spent burning it

is a waste.

⁠

waste

silver waste

kept clean from

your lies

⁠

lies

i keep

letting him down

and it’s not just him

it’s like i’m the center of gravity, pulling

everyone in with me

he doesn’t need

my lies

⁠

lies (pt. 2)

how does it feel?

the things you do to me.

i want to cry,

but i just can’t

give you the satisfaction.

⁠

satisfaction

i am drowning

in the sea of adolescence.

i am victim

to the waves of youth.

i am mourning

the dying of my juvenility.

what happened

to my innocence?

⁠

innocence

it was sixth grade,

“how to detach blades from razor,”

and you won. and i will forever

regret the moment i put the blade

to my untouched, unscarred skin,

“why does this feel good?

am i

crazy?”

not crazy,

hurting.

now look at her,

all fucked-up,

her sleeve of scars

impossible to miss.

what a fucking attention-seeking little shit.

now she’s graduating

scars not fading

left in unrest at her lies

but they think

she did it.

⁠

she did it

she’s begging her boyfriend

to hit a home run

on her stomach.

the bat removed the baby,

she’s safe.

becky bell

turned to the coat hanger.

she’s gone.

“WHO estimates that at least 7.9% of maternal deaths are due to

unsafe abortion”

“the 1996 legalization of abortion in South Africa

had an immediate positive impact on the frequency of abortion-related complications,

with abortion-related deaths dropping by more than 90%”

you’re not getting rid of a problem.

you’re creating it.

⁠

‘it’

when did it start?

i must’ve been fourteen.

october fourteenth, twenty seventeen

he taught me how to purge because i asked.

but, why did i ask?

why

was 163 too much?

why

did i ruin my life,

my body,

my energy,

for seventy pounds?

i remember now.

i couldn’t slit my wrists anymore.

everyone did that. it wasn’t cool.

you know what was cool?

you know what garnered praise?

starvation, exhaustion, bones.

oh, the praise!

⁠

praise

losing weight is so much better than being born skinny

when you’re born skinny,

you’re never praised for weight loss.

when you lose weight,

it’s a chorus of

‘you look great’s and

‘wow, how’d you do it?’s

because losing weight means you worked for it.

“wow, look at you. you got pretty.”

pretty

from the heavens

we’ve mingled with them;

each star represents a fragment

of my imagination.

goodness, passion, darkness

form the universe, in and out.

you see, you have your own

little universe. let it bloom,

let it sprout.

her moon reflects

you, my love.

her phases discover

you, my love.

⁠

my love

my love of seven years,

you probably know her.

she knows everything about me:

my weaknesses, my flaws, my unhealthy habits.

did i say she knows everything about me?

i meant she knows everything wrong with me.

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