a brief look into my mind
stream of consciousness
people and places
things collapse
another decision gone wrong
who gave him so much power
power
an example of weight:
for some,
much more difficult to lose
than to gain.
for many, no matter
how hard you try
the illusion of equality,
a fair chance
doesn’t exist.
exist
to exist is to do what, exactly?
to work a nine-to-five
to care for her three kids
and her deadbeat husband?
no, that doesn’t seem quite right.
“the suicide rate among adolescents
and young adults
aged 10–24 in the United States
increased 57.4%
from 6.8 per 100,000 in 2007
to 10.7 in 2018”
oh, those poor kids;
what could possibly drive
a ten-year-old
to take his own life?
maybe you’re the fucking problem.
problem
hey,
long time no-see!
been away? where?
oh. sorry.
[first rule: can’t ask where. won’t like the answer.]
hey,
long time no-see!
how’s it going?
no, like how’s it really going,
not some non-answer.
of course, who wouldn’t listen?
[second rule: wrong question.
you. you didn’t listen.]
listen
twenty pounds
would love to lose
who wouldn’t? don’t lie.
when prompted with: “would you rather
gain or lose twenty pounds?”
there’s no hesitation
was it worth it?
worth it
the world is dying and so are we
we
we are worth
every one of those stars.
optimal compatibility, they’ll say.
what good does it do
if they aren’t happy?
eyes flecked with optimism,
lingering hope, overshadowed
by a dominant love.
look forward with me;
we are all we have,
all we need.
need
how much of reality do we need?
like,
how diluted can it become
before our lack of understanding
becomes problematic? not only
for others, but
for ourselves?
is it even possible to lose touch with reality?
like,
sure,
psychosis, dissociation, all of that.
but isn’t that still a reality for that person?
how can i help?
how badly do you need
me to reveal the situation
before you lose yourself
and take me with you?
please come back.
come back
we can’t bring it back.
look what you’ve done.
in fact, i bet you don’t
even realize, or care
to realize, how badly
you’ve fucked up.
well, i guess you’ll
find out
when consequences hit.
it’s just karma.
karma
every calorie in
will stay in.
it takes 5 minutes for you
to eat 500 calories,
but the time spent burning it
is a waste.
waste
silver waste
kept clean from
your lies
lies
i keep
letting him down
and it’s not just him
it’s like i’m the center of gravity, pulling
everyone in with me
he doesn’t need
my lies
lies (pt. 2)
how does it feel?
the things you do to me.
i want to cry,
but i just can’t
give you the satisfaction.
satisfaction
i am drowning
in the sea of adolescence.
i am victim
to the waves of youth.
i am mourning
the dying of my juvenility.
what happened
to my innocence?
innocence
it was sixth grade,
“how to detach blades from razor,”
and you won. and i will forever
regret the moment i put the blade
to my untouched, unscarred skin,
“why does this feel good?
am i
crazy?”
not crazy,
hurting.
now look at her,
all fucked-up,
her sleeve of scars
impossible to miss.
what a fucking attention-seeking little shit.
now she’s graduating
scars not fading
left in unrest at her lies
but they think
she did it.
she did it
she’s begging her boyfriend
to hit a home run
on her stomach.
the bat removed the baby,
she’s safe.
becky bell
turned to the coat hanger.
she’s gone.
“WHO estimates that at least 7.9% of maternal deaths are due to
unsafe abortion”
“the 1996 legalization of abortion in South Africa
had an immediate positive impact on the frequency of abortion-related complications,
with abortion-related deaths dropping by more than 90%”
you’re not getting rid of a problem.
you’re creating it.
‘it’
when did it start?
i must’ve been fourteen.
october fourteenth, twenty seventeen
he taught me how to purge because i asked.
but, why did i ask?
why
was 163 too much?
why
did i ruin my life,
my body,
my energy,
for seventy pounds?
i remember now.
i couldn’t slit my wrists anymore.
everyone did that. it wasn’t cool.
you know what was cool?
you know what garnered praise?
starvation, exhaustion, bones.
oh, the praise!
praise
losing weight is so much better than being born skinny
when you’re born skinny,
you’re never praised for weight loss.
when you lose weight,
it’s a chorus of
‘you look great’s and
‘wow, how’d you do it?’s
because losing weight means you worked for it.
“wow, look at you. you got pretty.”
pretty
from the heavens
we’ve mingled with them;
each star represents a fragment
of my imagination.
goodness, passion, darkness
form the universe, in and out.
you see, you have your own
little universe. let it bloom,
let it sprout.
her moon reflects
you, my love.
her phases discover
you, my love.
my love
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