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My Story

My lips our Sealed 🤐

Trigger warning: The following content may contain sensitive topics such as violence, abuse, trauma, mental health issues, substance abuse and other potentially triggering subjects. Please proceed with caution and prioritize your emotional well-being.
Names have been changed for the privacy of and protection of others.

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Oh, three versions of me, you see, That's what I am, that's what I be! One is lively, zesty, and full of pep. The other is pensive and thinks quite a lot, Analyzing everything, down to the last dot. The third is a numb shell, hidden and curled. How could anyone comprehend these lifts?

Oh, my life is quite the sight, A pendulum that swings with might, From love to pain and back again, It's quite a journey, my dear friend. My mom did flee, left me with Ann, who became my family tree. She was my solace and my vexer, A source of both joy and pressure. She showed me coins and bills, taught me to read and write with thrills, and played tunes that made my heart dance, but left me feeling in a trance.

Oh, chores, oh chores, part of my routine, Not a problem, not a scene. Oh, what a fuss, what a bother, what a plight, The pressure of perfection, oh what a sight! And Ann's constant scrutiny, oh dear, oh my, It's enough to make one want to cry! I clung to our joyous times, oh how they did gleam, And my love for her, oh how it did beam. "My flaps are zipped," I vowed, enduring any game.

In the Louisiana heat, after yard work so neat, Mama's voice calls me, oh what a treat! Oh, a talk, a talk, how ominous, how grand, A prospect that awaits, oh so bland. Oh, the thought of a chat to come, It gnaws and gnaws, oh how it hums! My nerves they tingle, oh how they shake, The promise of talk, oh what a quake! After the task, I turn to her, her stare keen and appraising.

When asked of my mood, I give no reply, Not a word, not a sound, not even a sigh. How can I express this feeling so blue, That I can't comprehend, no matter what I do? The sadness within, it's such a mystery, A puzzle unsolved, a riddle to me. When I speak of boredom, she reminds me with glee, Of all the blessings that surround me. She suggests chores as a cure for my malaise, And fills my day with productive ways. It makes me want to stash my true emotions galore.

To the backyard I flee, with a swing and a song to bring. My ditty is a covert plea, My heart's lament in harmony. In the world, it's Nita, singing with a zing, on the swing, doing her thing.

Oh, my life is quite a sight, A pattern so rigid and tight, Grades perfect, bed neatly made, Chores punctual, never delayed. The limit is set, oh yes indeed, The expression can't go where it pleads. Oh dear, oh dear, too much joy is a fright, And sorrow, oh no, it's not quite right!

Oh, in the glass, a masked lass, Her soul all choked by air so crass, Our home's oppression, oh so tight, A heavy burden, day and night. Oh, thoughts of Pierce, how they do appear, Interrupting this dreary rhythm, oh dear! Casting a spark in the midst of gloom, Brightening up this dreary room! On yester-morn, he was a figure adored, quite aloof. Oh, the ride on our four-wheeler, it stirred something new, My hands were exploring, oh what could I do? New territories, they beckoned and called, Adventure was waiting, I was enthralled! It was daring, no caution, but oh how I thrive.

I found him again, oh what a thrill! Thanks to Heather's Facebook skill. With words so artful and promises grand, Intrigue stirred throughout the land. I saw his strife, oh what a plight, Our age gap causing him some fright, But I promised him with great zeal, "My lips are sealed," I did reveal. I was a riddle he wished to solve, A puzzle he longed to resolve.

Pierce's truck, it rattles and shakes, My heart, it pounds, it quivers and quakes. I spy a rural lad by my side, Rugged palms, a drawl from the South reside.

He looks at me with a glance, his eyes showing our age difference by chance. With a chuckle and a grin so wide, I told him not to worry or hide. "It will be worth it," I did say, And we'll have fun along the way!

Sipping brewskis on the street, the hush hums betwixt you and me. Oh, how I fidget and fuss, Just pull over, let's not discuss. Into the back seat, we must go, Hurry up, oh don't be slow!

Why the back, you may ask? Is it for a task or just a mask? It's a mystery, a riddle to solve, A question that needs an answer to evolve. His brow is all twisted, oh my, oh wow! His chair, it reclines, oh what a sight! "Wanna take a ride?" he invites with delight. I sit on him, pretending to be bold, though I'm new to this, truth be told. Oh, how pain does surprise, making me wince with my eyes! Oh my, oh me, what do I see? A crimson red, as red as can be! It's blood, it's blood, oh what a sight! I hope everything is alright. Oh my, oh me, can't you see? He was the first, yes siree! My heart did flutter, my eyes did gleam, He was the start of my love dream. We tidy up, take a spin, and chatter galore, Before he whisks me back to Heather's front door.

When Pierce did depart, To Heather's I did dart, With her and her beau, We did chill and glow. Oh, how our peepers were caught by the sky of the night, So splendid and grand, it was quite a sight! Beneath a shower of shooting stars, a gloom descends upon me. Oh, the beauty and the sadness, Together they dance in madness. A melancholic emptiness, you say? Let's find some joy to brighten the day! No regrets, I insist with great zeal.

On the morrow, Pierce did jest, About the mark upon his truck, I must confess. But I replied with a light-hearted tone, And we laughed and laughed, not feeling alone. Our bond was quite strange, Chats that never did change, Occasional flings, No lovey-dovey things. Oh, the joy was in the test, The might I possessed, not in the quest.

Oh, the gap that lies between What I thought and what I've seen A chasm wide, oh so great My expectations, they just can't relate! Oh, a Southern magnolia in winter bloom, A discordant harmony within the room.

I kept up a perfect facade, top marks, fitting in with the social squad. Oh, cracks did appear, just like in art so dear! My shields did slip, oh me oh my, Leaving me vulnerable, no lie.

At the age of eleven, I found solace in smokes. At the stroke of twelve, a plant did grow, A curious herb that we all know. Oh, how I wish to feel something other than numbness! It wasn't a mere defiance, but a frantic quest for cognizance and dominance.

How does a child of eleven, oh my, Discover those smokes that make us sigh? It's not a task for one so small, To seek out those sticks that make us pall. Simple. Oh, do not fret and do not fear, Just ask a stranger, my dear! At the gas station, you will find, A friendly face, oh so kind! Approach with a smile and say hello, And ask for help, don't be slow! They'll gladly lend a helping hand, And guide you to the promised land! Puffing and smoking, my norm did become, Not an act of defiance, but a habit so fun. A sneaky secret, oh how it fares, Hidden from parents, without any cares.

As I fell into a slump so deep, My search for peace took a different leap. Pills and booze, once shunned with might, Now seemed to offer a glimmer of light. I spied them as gadgets to rouse, to soothe, and to snooze. When perched on the edge of life's great abyss, The chosen route seems to matter less and less.

Oh, what's the worst that could be? Said the person, just like you and me. But heed my words, don't be rash, For trouble may come in a flash! Die?" Oh, a mantra so chilling, not of hope from youth, But of desperation, echoing my choices uncouth.

Where does a teen of sixteen go, To find some drugs, don't you know? From trusting grown-ups, oh so sadly. My folks' chums, unknowingly feeding my fix, making me vow to hush-hush tricks. "My flaps are locked," I'd declare with allure. My existence was a tangle, my self all in a mangle, bits of me flying, oh where to begin!

In dear Nanny Claire's abode, Music and madness did explode. Poor choices, oh how they did thrive, In my cousin's mom's chaotic hive. In that place, I did see Tony, a savior quite unlikely, with a grin askew and eyes so wise. After a wild bash, we sat outside in the early morning hush, passing a puff.

Tony's words did creep and seep, Into the heart they did leap and peep. They dug deep, oh so steep, Like a hole that's dark and steep. Oh Nita, Nita, this life you lead, It's not the way, no way indeed! Press rewind, my dear, he warned, Or trouble and strife will be formed! Oh dear, oh dear, what shall we do? If your rewind is broken, it's quite a to-do! No going back, no turning time, Oh my, oh me, what a crime! I retorted with a snort and a snicker, My words came out like a silly ticker. I countered, I countered, with a grin on my face, Hoping my opponent would soon lose the race. He hollered and bellowed, "Oh, Nita, please stall! Just hit that pause button, once and for all!" Oh, the weight of his words did shake, And from my numbness did awake. He proposed the Youth Challenge Program, a camp with military-style stamp.

Amidst order and discipline I found myself, Far from chaos and past on the shelf. Peace, a feeling so foreign, did begin to win. My initial epistle homeward did spill, Secrets of drugs, booze, and men - oh thrill! Confession sans names and locales, Oh, how my conscience now pales! My flappy flippers stayed tightly locked, No words escaped, no sounds were rocked. My lips were sealed, oh yes indeed, No secrets spilled, no thoughts were freed.

My folks embarked on a quest so grand, To find the answers they did demand. But met with silence, oh so tight, From their child with lips sealed up quite. Oh, the sadness was real, oh so true, But 89.1 miles kept us apart, it's true. It brought some comfort, some relief, As we both felt the weight of our grief.

At YCP, oh what a sight! A pen pal appeared, quite a fright! My childhood bully, oh so mean, Now in a program, never before seen! We swapped some words, we took a break, Our paths did cross, our letters did shake. He was not like my usual kind, but strangely seemed to fit just fine.

Leaving YCP, freedom was destroyed. At seventeen and feeling blue, With parents watching all I do, I found a friend, a refuge true, In Liam, who helped me start anew. Oh, bother me not with his careless ways, For they troubled me much, all my days. But lo and behold, as I showed my concern, He changed his ways, and did a turn. He stopped the puffing, found a gig. A marble so raw, I carved and I saw, Our future together, without a flaw.

Three months after school, oh my, oh my, I found myself with a baby bump, oh why, oh why? A choice I made, perhaps too quick, But now a little one is coming, oh so slick. My folks put on a happy face, But in secret, their sadness did race. Behind closed doors, their disappointment did show, Oh, how I wish they could let it go. Their toxic arrows, oh how they flew, Puncturing my freedom, oh so new. A scar of betrayal, deep and wide, Left by those who chose to hide.

My sibling, my chum, became quite vile. His shape did loom, his bitter words did boom, Echoing my worthlessness, filling me with gloom.

Then I did it, oh yes indeed, I acted with great speed and heed. I bundled my life in bags of two, My thumping heart matched my fear anew. I ran to Liam's, a haven and cell, just across the street. His kinfolk greeted me with glee, A cozy change from home's cold decree.

My folks did battle with trickery neat. The officers in their uniforms so bright, Arrived on scene to win the fight, For control they came, oh so stark, To bring order to a world so dark. I stood tall, denying it all. When they departed, so did my neckwear. I was banished, a specter in their flawless clan picture, ignored for a score of years.

But oh, the price of liberty was high, A cost that made some people sigh. Liam, oh Liam, quite a surprise, Changed so much, before our eyes. Unrecognizable, he did become, A transformation that left us numb. The lad I adored was no more, swapped with a venomous chap who relished in my terror. His initial strike was quite a jolt, A rough and unexpected bolt. I did remember what I said, "If he cheats or beats, I'm out of his bed." Oh, how I stayed, trapped in a dream, A family's hope, my child's happiness, it did seem. My future, oh so blurry and unclear, But still I held on, with hope and fear. The mistreatment made me small and thin, A shadow of who I had once been.

Oh, his folks tried to help, no doubt, But I was sinking, swirling about, In a whirlpool of doubt and regret, Oh dear, oh me, I can't forget. Yet, a determination so grim did take form.

Oh dear, oh dear, Liam appeared, With venomous words that I feared, Gaslighting in its cruelest form, My reality eroded like a storm. Oh Nita, dear Nita, don't overreact-a, Just take a deep breath and relax-a. You're dreaming and scheming, my dear. He separated me, smudging the visages of chums and kin.

His mom and dad, oh what a sight, Their house a warzone, day and night. Their son, once known, now so strange, Their hearts and minds, oh how they range. They spied my world a-tumbling, a view of gloom and disrepair. Oh, a spark did ignite, Deep within, oh what a sight! Fueled by life, oh so bright, Oh, what a feeling, what a delight! I hoped for a shift, a change in him to lift.

Only when I cuddled my tiny tot for the first time, Did I truly understand the fear that made me whine. Oh, what a sight, so pure and bright, A bundle of promise, with all her might, Her fingers so small, yet held on tight, Shook me to my core, what a delight! Oh, how I longed for her, yes indeed, I had plotted and schemed, I did concede. Oh dear, oh dear, I'm in a fright, A mist of dread, a darkened sight, It clings to me with such despair, Oh how I wish it wasn't there.

Invasion of thoughts, oh how they haunt, But solace I found, in grandma's taunt. Confessing my agony, in her silence so still, My troubles were lifted, oh what a thrill! Amidst the walls of the hospital so white, I encountered my foe, a most dreadful plight: Postpartum depression, my nemesis in sight.

In a moment of meekness, Liam proposed with a ring from a pawn shop so cheap. Sinking and shattered with gloomy air, I uttered a "yes" with a tear.

Oh, the diagnosis, it hit me like a train, Bipolar disorder, causing such a strain. Oh, through the twists and turns of therapy and pills, I found bits of myself, it gave me the chills!

Oh dear, oh dear, Liam's mind's a blur, Twisting truth, oh how absurd! He gripped me tight, oh what a fright, Using my diagnosis with all his might! His twisted taunts, his skewed sense of truth, His towering presence, all caused me to lose My grip on reality, my confidence too, His calculated cruelty, oh how it grew.

Oh, Phil, dear Phil, Liam's dad, An ally unexpected, not at all bad! Our bond grew stronger, against all the norms.

After two births, my dear daughter said, "Mother, why don't we leave?" she pled. That made me flee Liam's grip, oh so quick! Oh, what a tussle, but oh so crucial!

In the madness and mayhem, Liam did prattle, Spinning yarns 'bout my sanity, like a battle. He cast me as the villain, oh what a shame, But I won't let his words tarnish my name! Despite all the fuss, I found peace in the hospital and then with my grands without any hustle. Divorce, custody battles, and harassment galore, But each victory brought me closer to restore. Reclaiming my life, step by step, I won't give up, I won't fret.

Oh dear, oh dear, what a sight! A secret love with Phil took flight, But now it's out, causing quite a fright, Chaos and panic, oh what a plight! Together we left, oh what a sight, Finding happiness, both day and night, In each other we found what we lacked, Oh how we danced and laughed and quacked!

Amidst the hullabaloo and strife, I battled for my children's life, Though joint custody wasn't my first pick, It gave me a chance to be with my chicks. With Liam away so much, I became the main caregiver, oh how I adore it, but it's not all that slick. Happy times with my kids, but oh the pain, always protecting them from abandonment's strain.

At last, joy and glee! Phil and I, oh my, oh my, Tied the knot, no need to pry. Oh, the little ones in our care, Their joy and laughter fill the air! This time, I chose to stay at home, Finding peace in our sanctuary dome.

Looking back, I do not fret, The happenings that brought me to this set. Oh yes, oh yes, mistakes I've made, Silly things, oh how they fade. But worry not, for I shall learn, And from my errors, wisdom I'll earn. Oh, the heartaches I have known, Through the ups and downs I've grown. My heart has felt such pain and strife, But I've learned to cherish life. I've grappled with fiends, In the depths of my dreams. But every hop, skip, and jump Led me to this moment, oh thump! Happiness and redemption, oh boy! What a journey, oh what a joy! Oh, how I longed for things to change, For my past to be a blank page. A canvas where I could paint and draw, A picture of my choosing, without a flaw. Oh, how I see, without the ups and downs, I wouldn't be the one wearing these crowns.

I am no longer quiet, I'll shout it from a riot! My voice will be heard, Like a chirping little bird. No longer will I be still, I'll speak up with a thrill! I am no longer unseen, A ghostly figure I've not been. My presence now can be perceived, My invisibility has been relieved. I am a thriver, a scrapper, a mom, a spouse, a lady who has braved the tempest and come out tougher. And for that, I am joyfully thankful, My heart sings out, oh so delightful! Eternally grateful, I surely am,

Amidst all the strife and glee, muddled thoughts and clarity, I'm blossoming, as a woman, just as I should be. In this embrace of liberty, a hush of mightiness. Oh, as I gaze at my reflection, I cannot help but grin with affection. For the woman staring right at me, Is a sight that fills my heart with glee!

Oh, the things they say, The person you'll be, Is the person you choose, Just wait and see! And my, oh my, I've chosen to be, well, simply and wonderfully, me!

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