TELL ME ABOUT MY OPTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT. GIVE ME A LIST TO FIXATE ON. MAKE ME FEEL WORSE ABOUT MYSELF SO I CAN FEEL BETTER. PLEASE!!! GOD!!
CUT TO: The screen reads “Welcome to Animals Anonymous” with several images of campers.
NARRATOR: Welcome to Animals Anonymous, a boutique, holistic camp for animals to aspire to their best selves. Our participants are a diverse group who learn skills like…
[VFX: The screen reads “STAYING PRESENT”]
EXT. CAMPSITE WOODEN TABLE - MORNING
Droney and Llamacorn sit on a wooden table near a campfire, with a ton of breakfast food.
LLAMA
Girlie I'm SO excited you asked to have brunch together -- or, I guess, watch me have brunch.
DRONEY
Do not worry, bestie. I am downloading my morning information which is much like eating eggs.
VFX: Llama laughs and keeps talking, but it fades into the background. We switch to see Llama through Droney's POV. A white scanner line moves down Llama, and statistics pop up.
LLAMA
…I just feel like I can be so tethered to my phone, and analytics. Being free of data feels great.
SFX: a "DING" sound.
DRONEY (voice slightly different)
40 percent sincerity detected. Unconfirmed levels of performative posturing. Scan in progress.
LLAMA
Oh! W-what was that?
DRONEY
Apologies, bestie friend. It is my automatic scanner. This is something I am trying to let go of as well. It is lit to get to know others organically, even if I wish to know everything right away.
LLAMA
Omg, totally. I am so here for that. But is that, um, like, a loading bar? Is the scan still going?
DRONEY
I will delete the information as soon as I receive it. I promise. Spill more about you, girl friend.
LLAMA (after a brief pause)
Or…..You could give me just a little bit of the information. What kind of stuff do you have on me?
DRONEY
Well, it is quite comprehensive of course. But I am unsure about this. We should not…
LLAMA
C'mon. A few statistics. A percentage or two. Just to help me improve myself. A little taste.
DRONEY
…It cannot hurt to help guide you to your best self. It will feel so good to complete the readout…
SFX: Beeping. "SCAN COMPLETE. Full assessment of LLAMACORN now available."
LLAMA
(voice suddenly deep and scary). DO IT. QUANTIFY ME. DO IT!!!!
NAME: LLAMACORN, CUMULATIVE 4.5 MILLION FOLLOWERS ACROSS PLATFORMS. SUCCEEDING WITH DEMOGRAPHIC 8-25, NEEDS WORK PERFORMING WITH OVER 50. POTENTIAL TO IMPROVE FOLLOWER COUNT BY ROUGHLY 4.25% IF SHE POSTS 31.53 MINUTES EARLIER ON DAYS WITH A FULL MOON.
LLAMA (frantic, high on this information)
OK!! OK! NO PROB, I CAN HANDLE THAT. I CAN WORK ON IT. GIVE ME MORE! MORE!!!
DRONEY
HEALTH: exceptional with small areas to work on. Suggestions include -- INCLUDE-- INCL--NO! I--I shouldn't do this. 90 percent of Lizzo songs indicate it is a priority to love yourself the way that you are.
LLAMA
TELL ME ABOUT MY OPTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT. GIVE ME A LIST TO FIXATE ON. MAKE ME FEEL WORSE ABOUT MYSELF SO I CAN FEEL BETTER. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!!
DRONEY
I WISH TO DO THIS…BUT BESTIE…I MUST NOT…DELETING DATA. DELETING DATA…
SFX: DING! "Data deleted" as Llama WAILS"NOO" in the background. She gets quiet. A beat.
LLAMA
….I think I might have to cut our brunch short to start my yoga session three hours early.
[VFX: Animals Anonymous with “We’re working on it” appearing under as the mantra]
NARRATOR: Animals Anonymous … we’re working on it!
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