Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Allow yourself to feel all of your body and all of your emotions. Gently notice what is there and try to see what is really important for you in this conflict.
Ask the other people involved in the conflict to do the same, and help each other figure out what is at stake. See if there is a way to meet everybody’s core needs in this. Maybe some things that appear to be core needs can be further contextualized, like “I need you to be quiet between 02-08 at night” is maybe an expression of the more core “I need to be able to sleep at night”, which has a broader set of possible solutions.
If you cannot resolve your conflict, ask somebody that has everybody’s trust to help you. Maybe they can introduce new perspectives or help you better listen to each other.
If you still cannot figure the conflict out, and it is an important matter for you, turn to The Sanctuary, or The Clown Police. They can help you find a person that is more experienced in solving or transforming conflicts. You can also ask for help in the #conflict-resolution channel on the Borderland Discord server or directly contact a mediator from the mediator list (
Tell the person coming to you that you will help them, or find help for them.
Invite them to take a deep breath together with you, and exhale slowly. “I will make sure you get help, just look at me first and let’s take a breath together”. Stay calm, and help them as swiftly as you can.
Ask them about the conflict and listen.
Don’t step into their story. Avoid agreeing or disagreeing with what they say, but acknowledge that you hear them. Instead of “yes, I hear that your neighbours were inconsiderate and played music all night” or “I’m sure they weren’t inconsiderate, you are camping in an area where sound is allowed”, you say “I see that you are upset, I hear that you couldn’t sleep all night, and that you feel that your neighbours were inconsiderate, is that right?”. By listening and reflecting back to them, you can allow them to calm down and maybe allow more perspectives in. If you want to suggest perspectives or solutions, ask them first whether they want to hear what you have to offer.
Show them the If you end up in conflict instructions above and ask them where they are in the steps.
If they are at step 4, help them get in contact with somebody from the Conflict Resolution Group. You can contact people on this list:
, ask in #conflict-resolution on Discord, or tell them to ask around in [re]connect.
If they are in too much affect, and it seems like they cannot listen right now, help them to a safe space where they can self-regulate or get help to regulate until they are more ready to engage with the issue at hand. If they don’t have such a place, take them to somebody in the Sanctuary.