As I explore deeper levels of intimacy through friendships and co-creation, I continue oscillating between expansion and contraction. I have been leaning in with the intention of discovering something beyond what I think I know or understand. An initial awareness that emerged is that as I open my heart more, I also feel grief, anxiety, and fear—sensations I have subconsciously avoided for a sense of safety.
At the same time, I’m taking greater responsibility for what I feel and experience while exploring what is truly mine versus what belongs to others. This is challenging me to learn how to create healthy energetic boundaries without falling into separation—an initiation I can already sense will be a major theme for the next year or two—understanding the yes, and.
After weeks of engaging in sweet yet challenging dialogue with Christopher, I have felt safe enough to keep my heart open. What unsettles me, however, is how my physiology shifts when I do—I look 5–10 years older, my energy feels depleted, immense density runs through my body, and I lose my radiance.
Inquiry:
Is this a physical manifestation of my resistance, a reflection of my contraction as I try to hold onto a layer of protection? Or am I feeling the energetic weight of opening to someone fully engaged with the collective and society? This brings me to a crossroads:
Stay in my radiance, bliss, and openness—but feel isolated. Merge with the collective—but feel depleted, old, dense, and misaligned. Questions I’m sitting with:
Do I wait for this feeling to pass? How long will it last? Is this process necessary for reintegration into the collective? Am I afraid of getting stuck in the density of lower realms? Key Emerging Beliefs:
Energy naturally seeks harmony and moves toward those open to balance. When attuned to harmony, discordant energies are drawn in for resolution. Because I prioritize processing energy as much as I do creating, I often become a landing pad for unprocessed emotions in the field. This aligns with the Law of Harmony, as energy in motion (emotion) seeks equilibrium through those receptive to it. At the same time, the Law of Transmutation teaches that energy is not destroyed but transformed. As I open to this process, I am learning how to engage with these energies without absorbing them. Without clear boundaries, I take on more than is mine, overwhelming my nervous system and subtle energy body.
Fear of getting trapped in lower emotions and the dimensional realities tied to them. While separation doesn’t feel aligned with my heart, merging with the collective seems to pull me out of vibrational alignment. What else may be happening here other than this belief? Belief: Realizing I have a subconscious Fear of deepening intimacy due to the overwhelm I feel in relation to others suffering as a result of being highly empathic Points of Awareness:
Empathic Sensitivity—I have always felt everything around me. Awakening led me to create boundaries through separation, which worked—but that’s not the way forward. Yet, maintaining energetic boundaries constantly feels exhausting. Aversion to discomfort—Could the density I resist actually be my own? If so, is this grief part of shedding old ego identities? Unclear Boundaries with Intimate Connections: I am aware that I can be in connection with people out in society without absorbing there energy, yet when I open up a more intimate field I feel a merging naturally take place and absorbing of energies due to lack of healthy energetic boundaries. Further Inquiry:
How do I establish boundaries without creating separation? Is it selfish to protect my energy with everything happening on the planet? Or is maintaining my frequency—possibly through temporary isolation—an act of personal responsibility and mindfulness? As I sit in the depths of these inquiries and the energetic density in direct relation to what Im feeling in my body, I am contemplating a shift in my perspective that “discomfort is not inherently bad”. Yet, I find myself contemplating this deeply, as many perspectives I value emphasize the importance of feeling all emotions and how breakthroughs arise through embracing discomfort, leading to a more authentic self and life.
At the same time, I recognize a belief I’ve carried since childhood, one that has evolved over time and leans into multiple perspectives:
Childhood Perspective: Why do we have to suffer? Why are people suffering? What is the purpose of suffering? I never felt connected to it or understood why it was happening in the first place. Adult Perspective: The same core questions remain, now with two additional inquiries: Why do I have to struggle, sacrifice, and suffer to be happy, abundant, and free? Why do people seem to normalize suffering? Why is suffering on the planet so normalized in everyday life from being a mother, a boss, an athlete etc.? Why is is the harder you push and the ore you sacrifice the better you become and the more you can have? Ancient / Ancestral / Awakened Perspective: Something is deeply off about our relationship to suffering—it feels unnatural. The level of suffering on this planet is not organic; it has been engineered to reinforce cycles of pain and suffering which has been ongoing since the beginning of the breakout of galactic wars and an invasion of Earth.
Journal Entry (March 11, 2025)