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Journal Entry (March 11, 2025)

Unraveling The Wound

Unraveling Patriarchal Imprints: Healing Ancestral Wounds & Reclaiming Sovereignty

As I embark on the journey of unraveling the patriarchal imprints woven throughout my ancestral lineage and ancient past-life memories—held within my body and unconscious—I am beginning to see how deeply this system has shaped my relationship with shame, abandonment, failure, vulnerability, and suffering. These imprints, passed down through generations and reinforced by the same oppressive forces that have governed societies for millennia, continue to echo through both my inner world and present-day experiences.

This recognition led me into my dark night of the soul—an unraveling of my dharmic path—where I began weaving between the voice of my higher self, the shadow self I had long suppressed, and the wounded little girl within me.

Through ancient memories, I recall lifetimes where power was wielded through control, abuse, emotional suppression, and rigid hierarchies. These distortions have continued to manifest in my life, shaping family dynamics and internalized beliefs around worth, strength, and survival. As I awaken to these subconscious patterns, I recognize that the healing now unfolding is a sacred process: an unraveling of generational trauma, a reclamation of sovereignty, and a remembrance of my most natural, interconnected, and harmonious way of being.

This journey honors both the wisdom and the pain of the past, while forging a new path forward—one rooted in truth, reverence, and wholeness.

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Uncovering the Truth: Revealing My Wound

Lately, I have been reflecting on my persistent resistance to deeper intimacy and the ways I have unconsciously reinforced isolation and separation from loved ones and my community. As I sit with these inquiries and lean into the discomfort moving through my body—catalyzed by recent intimate interactions—I am uncovering a difficult truth: I have been navigating the world through narcissistic behavioral traits without even realizing it.

With greater self-awareness, I am actively dismantling these unconscious constructs and defense mechanisms while also exploring how and why these traits develop in the first place. This realization brings me to a pivotal question: What am I truly protecting myself from through these behaviors?

Despite my deep capacity for empathy, I have struggled to fully access true compassion and cultivate deeper connections—keeping others at a distance to avoid confronting my own wounds. In an effort to shield myself from pain, I unknowingly built barriers around my heart, mistaking self-protection for preservation, when in reality, it was keeping me from the very intimacy and healing I longed for.

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The Fear of Vulnerability

This has brought me face to face with my greatest fear—being vulnerable. I’ve long believed that vulnerability is a weakness, something that can be easily manipulated. I feared that if others saw my vulnerabilities, they would perceive me as weak and inadequate, leading to rejection, abandonment, domination, or control—or even worse, use them against me.

Beneath this fear was ultimately the fear of failure, coupled with the shame that often accompanies it. Allowing myself to be vulnerable meant risking exposure of my inadequacies, shattering the illusion of strength and control I had carefully maintained. In response, I unconsciously developed coping mechanisms to shield myself from this perceived threat—retreating emotionally to avoid rejection, overcompensating through caretaking to earn approval, and striving to prove my worth through relentless service. I convinced myself that suppressing my own needs was a form of strength, yet in doing so, I lost touch with what those needs even were. At the same time, I resented others for not offering the support I didn’t know how to ask for, unknowingly judging myself harshly for even needing it. This internal conflict deepened cycles of self-rejection, reinforcing the belief that love and belonging had to be earned rather than received freely.

This fear was often experienced in dynamics within my family—not only in the relationship between my mother and father but also among siblings and grandparents on both sides, where judgment and criticism were prevalent. Narcissistic behavioral traits were deeply ingrained in these relationships, solidifying my belief that vulnerability led to harm and fueled my instinct to protect myself at all costs. These patterns were also entangled with struggles and cycles of abuse related to money, power, survival, and sex—imprinting the idea that control was necessary for security and that love was conditional, transactional, or tied to dominance and submission. Through these experiences, I internalized the belief that safety depended on maintaining control, and that to be worthy, I had to meet unspoken expectations, often at the expense of my own needs and emotional well-being.

Beyond witnessing these patterns, I internalized my experiences, and rather than recognizing the pain and dysfunction for what they were, I unconsciously took on the shame and sense of failure that belonged to others in my family. This deeply affected my self-esteem, embedding a profound sense of humiliation and unworthiness that made embracing vulnerability feel not only difficult but inherently unsafe.

Looking back, I can now see how I learned to dissociate from my emotions just to survive the constant emotional instability and lack of safety in my environment.

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Tracing the Fear of Vulnerability Back to Childhood

I have been tracing this fear back to my childhood, where I was repeatedly placed in vulnerable situations that left me feeling unsafe, abandoned, and powerless. I had little say or control over what was happening around me, and the lack of emotional security made me hesitant to trust my environment. I often felt neglected and, at times, ashamed for expressing my feelings—internalizing the belief that my emotions were burdensome or unwelcome. Additionally, some of my family members were critical of me, not because of who I was, but because of their own deeply ingrained expectations and belief systems. Their judgments, shaped by generational conditioning and societal programming, often left me feeling misunderstood and unseen, reinforcing my fear that vulnerability would only lead to rejection, shame, or disappointment.

In the few spaces where I did feel safe, such as with my grandmother or my aunt—who both expressed their love and affection for me in beautiful ways—I still encountered a disconnect when it came to emotional regulation. I also watched other family members suppress their emotions in similar ways. My difficult emotions were often met with money, material things, or even intoxicants like alcohol and ecstasy—used as a means to escape, suppress, or neutralize the emotional charge rather than address the deeper emotional connection I truly needed. Over time, this instilled the belief that external comforts and coping mechanisms took precedence over my feelings, leaving me with a profound disconnect between my emotional needs and the ways they were acknowledged.

This belief unconsciously shaped my relationship with both money and self-worth. I began equating financial success and material security with emotional validation, seeking external achievement as a way to prove my value. Yet, at the same time, I struggled to fully express or prioritize my emotional needs, fearing they were insignificant or would be dismissed—just as they had been in the past. To cope, I continued to suppress my emotions through intoxicants, using them as a means to escape discomfort rather than confront the deeper wounds beneath. This internal conflict left me feeling both driven to succeed and emotionally unfulfilled, trapping me in cycles of self-denial, overcompensation, and avoidance in both my personal and professional life.

Much of what I experienced in my environment felt overwhelming as a child, and I lacked the tools to process it. Without guidance in navigating my emotions—and often being shamed for expressing them in moments of vulnerability—my sense of shame deepened. This reinforced feelings of inadequacy, making it increasingly difficult to embrace vulnerability as I grew older, leaving me disconnected from my own emotional needs and hesitant to fully trust others.

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The Development of Narcissistic Defenses & The Fear of Failure

As I now recognize, my narcissistic behavioral patterns developed as coping mechanisms for unprocessed emotions. Over time, these emotions found expression through anger, rage, and rebellion—defensive strategies that helped me regain a sense of control in unstable environments marked by uncertainty and a lack of consistent support. Beneath these defenses lay a deep-seated fear of failure—one that wasn’t entirely my own.

I absorbed this fear from my parents, who carried their own anxieties around success and survival, shaped by societal and familial expectations. Their fears were projected onto me, particularly when I expressed my feelings about how our life experiences were impacted by their choices. Over time, as mentioned above, these expressions of emotion—especially negative ones—were met with shame, labeled as bad behavior or a source of disappointment. In their reality, worth was conditional upon meeting certain standards, keeping them in a constant state of fear of perceived failure—where any misstep felt like a direct threat to their self-worth, security, and belonging. Their fears kept us living in survival mode, reinforcing a scarcity mindset where stability always felt fragile. Once again, I internalized this pattern, adopting the same fear-driven mindset—one where failure was not just a setback but a fundamental threat to my worth, trapping me in a relentless cycle of self-judgment, anxiety, and an unyielding need to validate my existence through achievement.

Emotional neglect, shaming, and insecurity in moments of vulnerability deepened this fear, eventually leading me to lose trust in my life support systems. I began to believe I was unworthy of love and lacked the ability to take care of myself. This kept me in a constant state of fight-or-flight, where feelings of weakness repeatedly manifested as anger and self-protective narcissistic traits.

Unwilling to bear the weight of shame any longer, I suppressed it—cloaking it with narcissism as a defense. Yet, no matter how much I tried to bury it, the wounds resurfaced, haunting my adult life. These beliefs and emotions were continuously validated through my relationships and interactions with the patriarchal systems governing society, mirroring the very patterns I had internalized since childhood. The fear of failure drove me to overcompensate—relentlessly striving to meet impossible standards—or to withdraw entirely, avoiding risks that might expose my perceived inadequacies.

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The Shift from One False Identity to Another

For most of my early adulthood, I immersed myself in the party scene while simultaneously navigating the challenges of becoming a young entrepreneur, carrying a deep inner knowing that I was destined for something greater. I set exceptionally high expectations for myself—many of which were unattainable due to my lack of self-awareness at the time—creating an ongoing inner conflict between my ambition and my unprocessed wounds.

Beneath this drive was an even deeper resistance to vulnerability—the fear of being truly seen. I believed that my sensitivities, empathic nature, and perceived weaknesses—qualities unvalued and unsupported within patriarchal systems—would make me appear incapable or inadequate, ultimately leaving me exposed to manipulation, control, or domination.

At 27, my spiritual awakening dramatically altered the course of my life. Through deep devotion to practices aimed at expanding consciousness and exploring altered states, I gained access to my future self—tapping into an innate universal intelligence that offered profound guidance and glimpses of the reality I was destined to create. As a result, I began shifting my entrepreneurial focus toward more creative and spiritual endeavors, finally sensing, in a tangible and deeply authentic way, who I was meant to become. However, with unintegrated aspects of my ego still driving my actions, I unknowingly traded one false identity for another. I abandoned the persona I had constructed to fit into society, only to adopt a spiritual ego—one that reinforced the superiority complex of my narcissistic self. This shift was further amplified as my understanding of the larger forces at play on our planet deepened. Instead of leading me toward greater humility and empowerment, it initially strengthened my existing narratives—validating my sense of superiority and reinforcing the very identity I was unknowingly being called to dissolve.

Instead of trying to meet my family's societal expectations as a child and young adult—or the high expectations of society as an adult—I flipped the dynamic, setting my own high expectations for community, partners, and family to meet. This became a shield, a way to protect myself from judgment and external pressures, ensuring that I remained in control rather than vulnerable—ultimately blocking me from true intimacy, and even feeling compassion for myself and others.

When others failed to meet these expectations, I would create a narrative of separation, projecting shame onto them for falling short—mirroring the very dynamic I experienced with my parents when they couldn’t meet our family’s needs, as well as the way I felt when I failed to meet the expectations of my family and society. In doing so, I subconsciously reinforced self-righteousness as a defense mechanism, using it as a shield to avoid confronting my own deeper wounds.

In parallel, the upholding of unrealistically high expectations for myself, convinced that falling short would expose my inadequacies and affirm the very fear of failure I had spent my adult life trying to outrun. This relentless pursuit of perfection became a self-perpetuating cycle, binding my sense of worth to an inauthentic version of myself — one built on the need for external validation and always just beyond my grasp. It was only when I surrendered that need, embraced my wholeness, and integrated every part of myself that I finally broke free.

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The Weight of Suppressed Emotions & Codependency

The weight of my unprocessed emotions often felt unbearable, surging beneath the surface without an outlet for expression. As a highly sensitive and empathic person, I remained deeply attuned to my environment, operating from a place of survival rather than true presence. Without the skills to navigate my emotions or build a stable foundation for myself, I developed codependent patterns—constantly seeking reassurance, external validation, and a false sense of identity. At the same time, I struggled to create healthy boundaries, reinforcing the very instability I was trying to escape.

These patterns kept me trapped in fear, cycling through the same struggles and projecting them outward—shaming others through criticism and judgment while simultaneously prioritizing their needs over my own, hoping mine would be met in return. This vicious cycle of entrapment, sustained by victim-victimizer programming, fed my narcissistic ego, allowing it to validate itself and maintain the illusion of control.

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Breaking the Cycle: Releasing Codependency & Reclaiming Self-Worth

I am reflecting on where I may be self-sabotaging—whether by holding subconscious beliefs about failure and vulnerability or by trying to uphold unconscious familial and societal expectations that do not reflect my most authentic expression. I am beginning to see how these patterns have created cycles of suffering, leaving me feeling unsupported, unmet, and unfulfilled—disembodied and disempowered.

As I reclaim my sense of self-worth and the authentic power that comes with it, I am becoming increasingly aware of where I have given my power away to others. I see now how I have sabotaged my own experiences, feeling deeply inadequate to play my part. But in this recognition lies the key to liberation—the opportunity to step fully into my truth and break free from the patterns that no longer serve me. Now, I recognize that true support begins with self-trust—and that I have the willpower to create what I need.

The key to breaking these cycles is taking full responsibility for building the systems and foundation I need to sustain the highest expression of my most authentic truth. It also requires stepping into vulnerability—allowing myself to be seen, to embrace the discomfort of growth, and to trust that my worth is not dependent on external validation but on my alignment with my own inner truth.

As I uncover and confront the root of my wounding and take full responsibility for establishing a solid foundation to support the fullness of who I am, I am beginning to release codependency patterns and the unconscious need for external validation. No longer feeling victimized by patriarchal systems, I am stepping into my autonomy—reclaiming my ability to meet my own needs and build the structures that will sustain my dharmic path moving forward.

This isn’t an easy realization, but I know that stepping into full ownership is what will create the shifts I seek. By releasing old patterns of dependency and fear-driven beliefs, I am embracing a new way of being—one rooted in self-trust, love, compassion, vulnerability, sovereignty, and personal accountability.

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Healing the Wound and Reclaiming My Power

With this reclamation of self, I recognize that my healing is not just about breaking free from old patterns but about stepping fully into my purpose. As I integrate the lessons from my journey, I commit to embracing my gifts as a highly sensitive and empathic being—deepening my connections through vulnerability with a sense of equality, catalyzing transformation through compassionate action, and co-creating from a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. Rooted in self-love and an embodied knowing of my intrinsic worth, I choose to lead with inspiration, authenticity, and an open heart.

Rather than unconsciously shaming others through criticism or judgment, I step into greater self-awareness, honoring the practice of presence, discernment, and creating healthy boundaries as I navigate my relationships. I acknowledge that true leadership begins from within—by embodying the transformation I seek to inspire. As I continue integrating all aspects of myself, I allow my presence to serve as a living transmission of love, truth, and healing.

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Embracing My Gifts and Leading with Compassion

Moving forward, I commit to embracing my gifts as a highly sensitive and empathic being—deepening my connections through vulnerability with a sense of equality, catalyzing transformation through compassionate action, and co-creating from a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. Rooted in self-love and an embodied knowing of my intrinsic worth, I choose to lead with inspiration, authenticity, and an open heart.

Rather than unconsciously shaming others through criticism or judgment, I step into greater self-awareness, honoring the practice of presence, discernment, and creating healthy boundaries as I navigate my relationships. I recognize that true leadership begins within—by embodying the transformation I seek to inspire. As I continue integrating all aspects of myself, I allow my presence to serve as a living transmission of love, truth, and healing.

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Re-Owning the Power of My Medicine

As I reflect on the potency of my medicine—its ability to heal, transform, and catalyze profound shifts—I also acknowledge the times when, like Kali, I have wielded it with unintegrated aspects of my ego, causing harm rather than healing. While I cannot change the past, I trust that everything has unfolded as it was meant to. Now, I am deeply committed to mastering the art of wielding my authentic power—sharing my medicine with greater awareness, integrity, and reverence for those I engage with.

This time, as my shamanic abilities continue to pierce the veil, penetrate necessary depths, and activate transformation, I choose to facilitate this process in a new way—not through pain, crisis, or force, as I am healing from lifetimes of such patterns, but by nurturing growth through love and compassion. I am shifting from control to guidance, from intensity to stability, from disruption to restorative healing and transformation.

In re-establishing trust in life itself and the flow of divine timing, I release the need to control or dictate the pace of the evolution of consciousness. Instead, I surrender to co-creation with the universe, allowing my gifts to unfold in service to the highest good.

Final Reflection:

I have walked through lifetimes of suppression, shielding my heart in a world that feared its depth. Yet, I was never weak for feeling deeply—I was strong for surviving in a world that taught me to silence it. Now, by stepping into emotional sovereignty, patience, and trust in love’s natural unfolding, I reclaim my truth as a being with a Radiant Heart—one whose presence alone heals, nurtures, and restores. Love is no longer something I feel I need to earn or protect; it is the very essence of who I am.

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