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كيف تنجح العلاقات مع ياسر الحزيمي | بودكاست فنجان

البداية

All relationships are driven by need; it is a rule. Even our relationship with Allah. Except for his relationship with us, Allah is independent SWT.

I asked a 114-year-old man from Az Zulfi his name was Addihesh. He probably died six years ago.

I was interested in relationships. I asked him this important question because I thought he had generations-worth of knowledge about it.

I said, “uncle, who is the person who identifies as a good person?”

Although it is common to expect that past generations are the good ones, he said, "son, everyone nowadays is a good person."

I was shocked, and I asked why? Translated by Latifa Alharbi

Hello! This is Fnjan from thmanyah, and I am Abdulrahman Abumalih. The ministry of health stated that one of the main reasons for depression is long-term solitude.

Also, healthy relationships will help us overcome depression.

Mental health is very significant to me and sure to many people.

I wanted to discuss relationships thoroughly because it is an important aspect of mental health.

Starting with the one human have with Allah and their need for a spiritual bond, all the way to the significance of the relationship one has with oneself.

It is the relationship every other relationship relies on. We learn to differentiate between loving ourselves, being confident, and being selfish and arrogant.

How will I heal my relationship with myself, and make it healthier?

And after at least having a grip on the relationship with oneself, how to handle our relationships with other people?

in a world where individualism and relativism are the way of living. It was said that this freedom of individualism takes away the sense of safety.

So, how can one navigate relationships under these conditions? These relationships vary in type and degree and affect people.

So, I present you this episode with Yasser Al-Huzaimi, a certified relationship coach.

He has a long experience in giving courses on improving relationships and communication skills.

He explained relationships, starting from the relationship with oneself

then the one between both genders, whether it was in workplaces or as couples.

It is a very important episode for everyone. Who doesn't want to better manage their relationships?

But before we start, thmanyah presents an incredible documentary series about genes

and their effects on you, your children’s characters, your possible diseases, and your future.

All rely on your genes. The series is live on Aflam thmanyah channel on YouTube, and its link is in this episode’s description.

Now, let’s start. -How was your experience with podcasts? -Generally, excellent.

but as a host, it requires so much mental effort.

-Really? -Yes. When you have guests, they usually share general information.

So, you must listen carefully and play the audience role. Especially when you already know what they’re talking about.

So, you must act ignorant to extract detailed information to benefit the audience.

-But why appear ignorant? -Because you may know the idea more than your guests sometimes.

So, there will be informational gaps, which are as easy as A B C to you and your guest, but new to the audience.

It is hard to look at from the audience’s point of view. Although I have not seen your latest episode, the heart-to-heart talk about the comments.

-I didn’t want to listen to it -It’s good that you didn’t! I didn’t want to watch it before our interview because it might affect our discussion, but I will watch it after.

I just wanted the podcast to become more of a comfortable experience, to steer it away from the television template.

So, it could be anything It is ok to be serious, and it's ok not to be so.

I believe that you are a role model in being casual about it.

You changed presenting podcasts and made a benchmark.

In discussions about podcasts which is on the rise, hopefully, a positive trend, your name always comes first.

-Alhamdulillah. -By the way, the product became you, not otherwise. No one refers to your production as thmanyah or Finjan, but they say Abdulrahman Abumalih instead.

-That’s good. -Yes, it is a good thing, mashallah!

Thanks to Allah! So, why did you change your path from being in education to becoming a relationship coach?

سبب اختياره مجال العلاقات

Two things made me choose relationships,

first, I wrote a book on self and personality. Its title is The Strong Personality.

It’s about developing a good personality that enables you to interact with people.

Why did you choose the word "strong" as a synonym for "good"? Having relationships requires having a sword, a scabbard, and a shield.

So, there will be stings, threats, and fear.

As a wise person, you should know when to use your sword against the one who deserves it for good reasons and when to put it away.

For example, when dealing with parents, elders, and dear people. No sword at all!

There are the people you should deal with using your sword to draw a line they won’t cross. The problem is that having a sword without a scabbard is violence, while having a scabbard without a sword is excessive kindness, which leads to weakness.

Most people’s suffering is caused by other people. -What do you mean? -When you search in social media and the internet, you find that the case usually is that a human being complains about another.

If it is about his job, it is about another person. If it was a car problem, it would be simpler, but most struggles are caused by people to other people.

That’s why I thought I should heal myself first. The book I wrote was for me at first, but later, it was published.

In addition to that, I thought that the self is a product in the social market. So, how can you market it?

Some people have good products but poor marketing. Others might have bad products but excellent marketing skills.

That’s why we are fooled by first impressions. First impressions in job interviews, relationships, events, and gatherings.

I like this person and that; this one makes me uncomfortable while that looks strange, this and that.

So, it is about the way you present yourself to others. The one who thinks he has a poor product won’t market it well. Even If he did, he doesn't believe in it and won't convince you to buy it.

You might be unconfident; don't accept yourself, your acne, your baldness, your height, tribe, or color, and so on.

Which makes you destroyable by any glance of contempt. That’s why some people avoid social situations that make them feel unwelcome.

So, my idea is to strengthen this personality; it’s how it heals and then heals its relationships.

So, you thought that your personality was absent and that you couldn’t market it!

-Where did this idea originate from? -At the beginning? It is not our topic, ok! -But I really would like to know. -I meant I wanted to talk more about relationships.

-We will! -Because talking about the self is another vast topic. -Part of relationships is the one we have with ourselves. -Yes, one of the pillars.

Is it the most important? What are the types of relationships? If you may, before discussing types, let’s talk about the pillars because I mentioned them.

You may! The pillars are four: First, the relationship with Allah SWT. Allah SWT says, “As for those who believe and do good, the most compassionate will bless them with love.”

Some people don’t benefit you, but you love them, feel comfortable around them, and trust them even without previous encounters.

That is granted by Allah SWT. The relationship with Allah, the creator, affects the relationships with his creations.

This is an essential pillar, and we have a lot of religious scripture on it.

A good attitude toward our relationship with Allah is based on three things; believing what he has told us, accepting our destiny, and following his orders.

The one who does this is the one with good manners towards Allah SWT.

The next pillar is the relationship with oneself. It includes an attitude such as appreciating myself

If you may! before getting to the self, I want to know more about the importance of our relationship with Allah.

-Ok! -I mean, how will it reflect on the human being's spiritual well-being?

Let’s reverse that; what if there was no god? Addressing this modern matter.

If the god, the watchful, was absent, then the witness is absent, as well as the beneficence.

To worship Allah as if you see him and even though you do not see him, you know he sees you. Therefore, the way I treat you will be different in the presence of the watchful.

When Allah AWJ created us, he made us witnesses: I’m I not your god? We all said yes, you are our god.

Then he offered us the trust, which makes us trusted. Imagine if someone trusted you with your body, your life, your time, and your money; It is all his trust.

And he is watchful over you. How will you treat this trust? According to the owner of this trust’s will.

So being aware of this watchful presence will make us more forgiving.

Aisha R.A was angry with her maid, but she didn't hurt her back, and said, “Piety is a good moral; it leaves us no way to avenge ourselves”.

On the day of judgment, I will receive justice. There will be punishment and reward.

The relationship with oneself and others in case of injustice.

You were unjust to me, so how will I avenge myself? Later, on that day. So, I show patience, endure, repress my anger, forgive, and leave it here.

But if someone treats life as a one-time opportunity, how will he react? People would be intensely envious if they thought that life is an opportunity, not a reciprocation but a hustle.

I grab as many pieces as possible of this cake and move on to another. But it is different when they have Jannah in perception. Some always have it in mind, they're like, “I will have this in Jannah inshallah.”

Whenever prophet Muhammad PBUH liked something in Dunya, he said, “O Allah! There is no life worth living except the life of the Hereafter”.

This life is just crumbs. This mindset helps humans feel content. In Quran, “and the Hour is certain to come”. So, what do we do? Pray? Fast? Worship? No!

“So, forgive graciously.” Aha! so we forgive. each other The saying is “to forgive when you can”, but some forgive when in graves.

Upon remembering death and grieving the loss of someone you had grudges against. Death awakens.

Remembering death makes life less worthy of having hard feelings. In modern life, the difference between me and the non-Muslims, or the ones who absorbed the western lifestyle is huge.

The westerners’ life is like their graves, beautiful from the outside but empty and lonely from the inside.

Beautiful materialistic world and pleasures, but depression lie under all of that.

While the life of a believer is totally different. And if things get hard, the believer will find relief on his praying mat.

The believer finds comfort in remembering that there will be a final day, recompense, fate, rationale, and blessings. These concepts embrace and calm the believer.

Also, being aware of Allah’s presence makes dealing with others a way of seeking his pleasure.

This relationship will be evaluated by Allah. So, when I remove a twig from the Muslims' way, he will reward me by entering the Jannah.

The Jannah that heads were lost and feet bled for is as easy as removing a twig.

Because humans are so valuable to Allah that he created the skies and earth only for them!

The "la ilaha illallah" in this human's heart is as heavy as the skies and earth, and his blood is more sacred than Alkaaba.

So, you are a precious human being. When you do a simple act of kindness in your measures, Allah weighs it by his own measures.

When you have this in perspective, you know that your trade is with Allah while dealing with others.

So, I please you to please the Knower of the Unseen. In the western model, the customer is always right. It isn't actually about that.

They turned relationships from transactions to tactics seeking profit; they get to the hearts to get to the pockets.

Behind “the customer is always right” is the intent of taking.

I’m not generalizing, but comparing between models. Being aware of Allah’s presence while dealing with others changes many things.

If I may, I want us to apply this to our reality.

أركان العلاقات

Nowadays, the influence of the west is present, as you’ve repeatedly mentioned. It is a thing now; we live it.

What you've said is religious, but what about the spiritual aspect of it, regardless of religion?

What is the significance of a spiritual bond? Its opposite is increasing in western societies.

For example, in Britain, irreligious people are the most of British society.

I need to recheck this information, but you get the point. Atheism is rising alongside other trendy spiritual activities, such as meditation and yoga.

Why do humans seek this bond even if they don’t believe in god? Why do humans crave this type of relationship?

The search for a god, an absolute, is an instinct.

It unravels under pressure. Even when disbelievers “board a ship, they supplicate Allah, sincere to him in religion.”

Some irreligious or atheists look to the sky when life gets hard because they search for an absolute entity beyond humanity.

-Why do we have this pressing need? -It is an instinct in human beings. The nature of human beings is to believe in a god and need a god. Which god? This is where people differ.

That’s why messengers were sent to introduce us to this god and identify him for us. God is not only a worshiped and external entity but also found within. To worship one’s own desires.

The modern human being made a god out of desire and pleasure.

What is a god? It is your legislator who tells you what’s right and what’s wrong. Therefore, religion gives you the lawful and the unlawful.

While norms tell you what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

Also, the sense of beauty defines the beautiful and the ugly. All of that isn't applicable anymore.

So, when I dress up, do I ask myself whether my clothes are bought with lawful or unlawful money or if it is modest or not?

No, because it is religious. I don’t care about people’s opinions about whether my clothes are acceptable. Is it beautiful or ugly? It doesn’t matter anymore.

Is it efficient and protects me from the cold? No. The main concern is not that anymore, but whether it is new.

Then fashion and trends became the god of this age, the legislator.

Imagine seeing terrible clothes, by all measures, and the long lines waiting to buy them.

People will defend the beauty they imagined after they fought for it and bought it.

The clothes or bags they saved money to have will lose their social value in a year because they won’t be trendy anymore.

So, are humans in constant need of a god? Yes, they are.

This was the first pillar, the relationship with Allah. -The second is! -The relationship with oneself, as we mentioned: appreciation and acceptance.

-Are you ordering the pillars according to importance? -No, it depends on its context.

In some situations, the order changes. Your relationship with the other becomes prioritized over your relationship with yourself.

-When? -In the cases of altruism.

You prioritize the other. You wouldn’t be able to be altruistic if your relationship with yourself was too strong.

This preference depends on humane situations.

If I had a crucial appointment, but someone was in need, and I preferred to offer them help, this is altruism.

The philosophy is that this preference makes me more appreciative of myself, which results in seeking Allah’s pleasure.

All the types intertwine, and separating between them is not natural to humans.

So, now we're talking about the self. What is this self? Your relationships are parts of yourself.

Your culture, readings, clothes, appearance, hairstyle, name, surname, walk, and possessions are all parts of yourself.

The wise is who can differentiate between appearance and substance.

Another part of the self is its interests. Therefore, we have many relationships based on shared interests.

Both of us could be cheering for the same team, playing the same games, or reading the same books, and our relationship is built by common interests.

The most essential tool for building a relationship is the skills you have.

Why? Because relationships rely on cooperation and mutualism, in Quranic terms: subjugation.

I benefit from you, and you benefit from me. So, the more skills you have, the more you'll be needed. Also, the more independent you are.

English! I do speak. Technology or weather! I have my way with that. History and culture! I am literate. I don’t need anyone.

But the less skilled you are, the more you need people, and you become more dependent.

You will be constantly asking for something that whenever I see your call I'd be like, oh! here he is again, always taking but never giving.

Therefore, your skill level, knowledge, and abilities affect your relationships.

According to Ali R.A, people are three types, the one who helps you is your master, the one you help is your prisoner, and the one who doesn’t need you is your equal.

Being the master all the time will hurt you because you’ll be consumed and disappointed.

Being a prisoner all the time will end you up unwanted.

To be the latter, the equal, isn't realistic or humane. You are a human, so you'll need.

There is a story of a man who prayed, “oh Allah, don’t make me need anyone of your subjects”

Then Imam Ahmed said, "this person asked for his doom" because only being dead means not needing anyone.

So, as long as you live, you will need and be needed. This is the relationship with oneself.

-What is a healthy relationship with oneself? -Not to show the world someone far from who you really are.

According to William James, whenever two people meet, there are really six people present.

There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.

The larger the void between who you are and who you present, the more depression, shame, and a sense of unworthiness you'll feel.

This will affect your relationships, and it will be exposed during the conflicts of beliefs you have with the other.

For example, you welcomed me to this blessed podcast, and I told you that my purpose is changing society for the better. This is what I showed you, ok!

But deep down, I look for profits. In this case ..

-Is that why you asked for money? -No, wallah (I swear) I didn’t.

In this case, I will be exposed, -And if that happened, who would see my real face? -Me, I suppose.

-What will happen then? -I would change the way I see you. No! I will be exposed to my own self.

According to Sartre, when you are alone, you lose the sense of self, its values, beliefs, and atrocity, but when you interact with someone, you feel shame caused by a watchful presence.

How would that be in case this watchful was Allah SWT? When you did this wrongdoing, you didn’t realize its magnitude because you were at peace with your conflicting values,

but when your actions expose you, you will understand that you’re mistaken. Who showed me that? The person I’m interacting with. Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, “The believer is the mirror of his brother”.

So, the wise person doesn’t break the mirror when it reflects a flawed face because it is the mirror’s function.

And please notice that you go to the mirror to see, not otherwise. To fix yourself and ask for advice.

This was the second relationship, the one you have with yourself. Now let’s discuss the relationship with others. -If I may, I want to ask about each relationship. -Yes, you may.

You mentioned that the gap between appearance and reality causes depression. Is that the case whether I see myself as less or more than I am?

علاقة الإنسان بذاته

Yes! Which perception is negative and positive?

The positive one is seeing yourself as lesser than you are. It is being humble, a way of purifying oneself.

Umar R.A. gathered the Companions and reminded them that he used to be a shepherd. They asked him, "is this what you gathered us for?"

He said, “my self told me that I am Umar, the Commander of the Faithful, so I wanted to remind you that I used to be called Umair.”

This is how to discipline and purify oneself. -What is the negative case? -When this discipline turns into contempt.

The prophet PBUH said, “The believer should not humiliate himself.” They asked: “How could he humiliate himself?” He said, “By taking on a trial that he cannot deal with.”

For example, believing that I can produce a podcast while I can't.

Trying and then failing won’t make me pleased with myself. I would belittle myself because I did something above my powers.

Therefore, self-contempt isn’t a religious, humane, or healthy way to deal with oneself.

On the other hand, thinking highly of myself, as more than I really am, will lead to disappointments.

It would make me lose the sense of limits and accuse whoever wants my well-being with envy and jealousy.

If I claimed to have an ability I don't possess, I would end up in despair. According to the Diener effect, which measures performance,

when a person starts a task with high and baseless confidence but fails, he will be at the lowest confidence level.

The question is, why feel confident? For example, when elementary students are asked, who would want to participate in the broadcast?

They all raise their hands excitedly. That is because they have no idea what it is.

When your child tries to help you to carry heavy things thinking he can, but he can’t and doesn’t know it. Or trying to swim without even knowing how to swim.

-Why do they feel they can? -Ignorance? Because of ignorance. Sometimes, confidence is driven by ignorance.

But when they try, they find out their limits. After failing, people will divide into two types, some will stay down,

and others will climb up and learn to strengthen their relationships with themselves to gain true confidence.

There is an Arabic saying, “two will attempt to public speak, the one who is excellent and aware of his skills and the fool who has no clue what he’s doing.”

That’s why it is necessary to learn our limitations and boundaries, even with other people.

Relationships are a constant state of approaching and distancing, knowing what to do and when to do it.

How to take space just to the point of missing each other, not abandonment.

How to get close just to the point of embracing each other, not clinging. Because sometimes being too close leads to rejection. We will talk about that later.

Yes, we will. I just wanted to discuss the relationship with oneself a bit more. What you have said sounds logical.

I remember reading somewhere that intelligent people hesitate more than ignorant people.

While the latter have higher chances of success only because of their impulses. Sometimes, you need this ignorance to make an impulsive step before it scares you.

Maybe it is so simple that being hesitant doesn't make sense. So, how to manage that?

Excellent! If you know more, you hesitate more.

Because you measure everything with the big picture in mind. For example, someone would ask you, Abu Omar, how do you make podcasts?

What will you start explaining? Unlike a person who had a previous impulsive experience in podcasts.

Ignorance helped this person to try. But did this ignorance provide any knowledge? That is the distinguishing factor.

It didn’t provide any knowledge, just a deformed attempt. On the other hand, an intelligent person can have an authentic experience, but only when he doesn't exaggerate his hesitation.

It was said that being afraid before trying is a weakness.

Why are you afraid? You didn’t even try. Why don’t you try?

Because you’d say I’m a fool. This is the nature of all beginnings. It is the hardest and the most awkward part.

You must accept not doing well at first because this is how you will improve yourself.

Each of us has a first day. The first day of driving is remembered as a joke, but at that time, it was a matter of life and death.

It is simpler now. It became a tale in his success story.

A first day of podcasting, a first day of teaching, a first day of work, and a first day of engagement.

They were overwhelming days full of hesitation, which is normal. How to differentiate between self-love and arrogance?

There is a difference between loving oneself and not, but arrogance is compared to ..

-Confidence! -Yes. Confidence is believing in the ability while having it. Simply!

To believe that you can, and you actually can.

I believe that I have the ability in the present moment according to my past experiences and my optimism.

I want to produce a podcast, so I rely on my previous recording experience. Then, I start, by Allah’s will, feeling that I can do it.

If a person lacks experience, he would be pushed by his optimism to become confident.

So, it is the feeling of existing power. -Is being confident always a good thing? -Yes.

Arrogance is believing in a non-existing ability.

An arrogant might claim he can beat his enemies but end up beaten. He's full of himself.

-Maybe he was motivated by his optimism! -But there is no ability. He doesn’t have the experience or prediction of his success, so he’s mistaken.

Now that we discussed two types, we have a couple left. Not believing in the ability while having it. This is the self-contempt we talked about.

He’d refuse to take a shot even if he was proven to have the talent and prefers the backstage.

-How to fix that? -We’re left with the fourth type. Not believing in the ability and not having it. This is the Awareness.

-Excellent. -To know what I’m good at and what I’m not. According to Ibn Khaldun, knowing that you don’t know is knowledge in itself.

How to heal self-contempt?

It is treated by two approaches: complimenting and developing.

Complimenting is looking back on my experiences and relying on my past success.

Usually, evaluating yourself is a selective process.

It’s like holding a torch and looking into a dark room that contains messy and tidy parts.

The self-aware one sees it all and makes a wise judgment.

While the one who sheds light on the messy side only will make a poor judgment.

Another one would only choose to see the tidy side and think everything is beautiful, which is wrong too.

When I’m self-deprecating, I have to look at the compliments of the past, the achievements, to calm down.

Then start developing and improving myself, but how?

This word is overused and sounds complicated, but it is very simple.

Start small! We like huge achievements, but the smaller steps will fuel persistence

and arm us with evidence that we are much more than what people think of us.

When others try to put you down, you will be invincible. The difference between youngsters and adults is that children act blindly and depend on our description.

We tell them whether they are good or not either by our behavior or our verbal reinforcement.

Adults are, however, still get affected by that. Allah says to prophet Muhammad PBUH “We certainly know that your heart is truly distressed by what they say.”

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