كيف تنجح العلاقات مع ياسر الحزيمي | بودكاست فنجان

البداية
All relationships are driven by need; it is a rule. Even our relationship with Allah. Except for his relationship with us, Allah is independent SWT.
I asked a 114-year-old man from Az Zulfi his name was Addihesh. He probably died six years ago.
I was interested in relationships. I asked him this important question because I thought he had generations-worth of knowledge about it.
I said, “uncle, who is the person who identifies as a good person?”
Although it is common to expect that past generations are the good ones, he said, "son, everyone nowadays is a good person."
I was shocked, and I asked why? Translated by Latifa Alharbi
Hello! This is Fnjan from thmanyah, and I am Abdulrahman Abumalih. The ministry of health stated that one of the main reasons for depression is long-term solitude.
Also, healthy relationships will help us overcome depression.
Mental health is very significant to me and sure to many people.
I wanted to discuss relationships thoroughly because it is an important aspect of mental health.
Starting with the one human have with Allah and their need for a spiritual bond, all the way to the significance of the relationship one has with oneself.
It is the relationship every other relationship relies on. We learn to differentiate between loving ourselves, being confident, and being selfish and arrogant.
How will I heal my relationship with myself, and make it healthier?
And after at least having a grip on the relationship with oneself, how to handle our relationships with other people?
in a world where individualism and relativism are the way of living. It was said that this freedom of individualism takes away the sense of safety.
So, how can one navigate relationships under these conditions? These relationships vary in type and degree and affect people.
So, I present you this episode with Yasser Al-Huzaimi, a certified relationship coach.
He has a long experience in giving courses on improving relationships and communication skills.
He explained relationships, starting from the relationship with oneself
then the one between both genders, whether it was in workplaces or as couples.
It is a very important episode for everyone. Who doesn't want to better manage their relationships?
But before we start, thmanyah presents an incredible documentary series about genes
and their effects on you, your children’s characters, your possible diseases, and your future.
All rely on your genes. The series is live on Aflam thmanyah channel on YouTube, and its link is in this episode’s description.
Now, let’s start. -How was your experience with podcasts? -Generally, excellent.
but as a host, it requires so much mental effort.
-Really? -Yes. When you have guests, they usually share general information.
So, you must listen carefully and play the audience role. Especially when you already know what they’re talking about.
So, you must act ignorant to extract detailed information to benefit the audience.
-But why appear ignorant? -Because you may know the idea more than your guests sometimes.
So, there will be informational gaps, which are as easy as A B C to you and your guest, but new to the audience.
It is hard to look at from the audience’s point of view. Although I have not seen your latest episode, the heart-to-heart talk about the comments.
-I didn’t want to listen to it -It’s good that you didn’t! I didn’t want to watch it before our interview because it might affect our discussion, but I will watch it after.
I just wanted the podcast to become more of a comfortable experience, to steer it away from the television template.
So, it could be anything It is ok to be serious, and it's ok not to be so.
I believe that you are a role model in being casual about it.
You changed presenting podcasts and made a benchmark.
In discussions about podcasts which is on the rise, hopefully, a positive trend, your name always comes first.
-Alhamdulillah. -By the way, the product became you, not otherwise. No one refers to your production as thmanyah or Finjan, but they say Abdulrahman Abumalih instead.
-That’s good. -Yes, it is a good thing, mashallah!
Thanks to Allah! So, why did you change your path from being in education to becoming a relationship coach?
سبب اختياره مجال العلاقات
Two things made me choose relationships,
first, I wrote a book on self and personality. Its title is The Strong Personality.
It’s about developing a good personality that enables you to interact with people.
Why did you choose the word "strong" as a synonym for "good"? Having relationships requires having a sword, a scabbard, and a shield.
So, there will be stings, threats, and fear.
As a wise person, you should know when to use your sword against the one who deserves it for good reasons and when to put it away.
For example, when dealing with parents, elders, and dear people. No sword at all!
There are the people you should deal with using your sword to draw a line they won’t cross. The problem is that having a sword without a scabbard is violence, while having a scabbard without a sword is excessive kindness, which leads to weakness.
Most people’s suffering is caused by other people. -What do you mean? -When you search in social media and the internet, you find that the case usually is that a human being complains about another.
If it is about his job, it is about another person. If it was a car problem, it would be simpler, but most struggles are caused by people to other people.
That’s why I thought I should heal myself first. The book I wrote was for me at first, but later, it was published.
In addition to that, I thought that the self is a product in the social market. So, how can you market it?
Some people have good products but poor marketing. Others might have bad products but excellent marketing skills.
That’s why we are fooled by first impressions. First impressions in job interviews, relationships, events, and gatherings.
I like this person and that; this one makes me uncomfortable while that looks strange, this and that.
So, it is about the way you present yourself to others. The one who thinks he has a poor product won’t market it well. Even If he did, he doesn't believe in it and won't convince you to buy it.
You might be unconfident; don't accept yourself, your acne, your baldness, your height, tribe, or color, and so on.
Which makes you destroyable by any glance of contempt. That’s why some people avoid social situations that make them feel unwelcome.
So, my idea is to strengthen this personality; it’s how it heals and then heals its relationships.
So, you thought that your personality was absent and that you couldn’t market it!
-Where did this idea originate from? -At the beginning? It is not our topic, ok! -But I really would like to know. -I meant I wanted to talk more about relationships.
-We will! -Because talking about the self is another vast topic. -Part of relationships is the one we have with ourselves. -Yes, one of the pillars.
Is it the most important? What are the types of relationships? If you may, before discussing types, let’s talk about the pillars because I mentioned them.
You may! The pillars are four: First, the relationship with Allah SWT. Allah SWT says, “As for those who believe and do good, the most compassionate will bless them with love.”
Some people don’t benefit you, but you love them, feel comfortable around them, and trust them even without previous encounters.
That is granted by Allah SWT. The relationship with Allah, the creator, affects the relationships with his creations.
This is an essential pillar, and we have a lot of religious scripture on it.
A good attitude toward our relationship with Allah is based on three things; believing what he has told us, accepting our destiny, and following his orders.
The one who does this is the one with good manners towards Allah SWT.
The next pillar is the relationship with oneself. It includes an attitude such as appreciating myself
If you may! before getting to the self, I want to know more about the importance of our relationship with Allah.
-Ok! -I mean, how will it reflect on the human being's spiritual well-being?
Let’s reverse that; what if there was no god? Addressing this modern matter.
If the god, the watchful, was absent, then the witness is absent, as well as the beneficence.
To worship Allah as if you see him and even though you do not see him, you know he sees you. Therefore, the way I treat you will be different in the presence of the watchful.
When Allah AWJ created us, he made us witnesses: I’m I not your god? We all said yes, you are our god.
Then he offered us the trust, which makes us trusted. Imagine if someone trusted you with your body, your life, your time, and your money; It is all his trust.
And he is watchful over you. How will you treat this trust? According to the owner of this trust’s will.
So being aware of this watchful presence will make us more forgiving.
Aisha R.A was angry with her maid, but she didn't hurt her back, and said, “Piety is a good moral; it leaves us no way to avenge ourselves”.
On the day of judgment, I will receive justice. There will be punishment and reward.
The relationship with oneself and others in case of injustice.
You were unjust to me, so how will I avenge myself? Later, on that day. So, I show patience, endure, repress my anger, forgive, and leave it here.
But if someone treats life as a one-time opportunity, how will he react? People would be intensely envious if they thought that life is an opportunity, not a reciprocation but a hustle.
I grab as many pieces as possible of this cake and move on to another. But it is different when they have Jannah in perception. Some always have it in mind, they're like, “I will have this in Jannah inshallah.”
Whenever prophet Muhammad PBUH liked something in Dunya, he said, “O Allah! There is no life worth living except the life of the Hereafter”.
This life is just crumbs. This mindset helps humans feel content. In Quran, “and the Hour is certain to come”. So, what do we do? Pray? Fast? Worship? No!
“So, forgive graciously.” Aha! so we forgive. each other The saying is “to forgive when you can”, but some forgive when in graves.
Upon remembering death and grieving the loss of someone you had grudges against. Death awakens.
Remembering death makes life less worthy of having hard feelings. In modern life, the difference between me and the non-Muslims, or the ones who absorbed the western lifestyle is huge.
The westerners’ life is like their graves, beautiful from the outside but empty and lonely from the inside.
Beautiful materialistic world and pleasures, but depression lie under all of that.
While the life of a believer is totally different. And if things get hard, the believer will find relief on his praying mat.
The believer finds comfort in remembering that there will be a final day, recompense, fate, rationale, and blessings. These concepts embrace and calm the believer.
Also, being aware of Allah’s presence makes dealing with others a way of seeking his pleasure.
This relationship will be evaluated by Allah. So, when I remove a twig from the Muslims' way, he will reward me by entering the Jannah.
The Jannah that heads were lost and feet bled for is as easy as removing a twig.
Because humans are so valuable to Allah that he created the skies and earth only for them!
The "la ilaha illallah" in this human's heart is as heavy as the skies and earth, and his blood is more sacred than Alkaaba.
So, you are a precious human being. When you do a simple act of kindness in your measures, Allah weighs it by his own measures.
When you have this in perspective, you know that your trade is with Allah while dealing with others.
So, I please you to please the Knower of the Unseen. In the western model, the customer is always right. It isn't actually about that.
They turned relationships from transactions to tactics seeking profit; they get to the hearts to get to the pockets.
Behind “the customer is always right” is the intent of taking.
I’m not generalizing, but comparing between models. Being aware of Allah’s presence while dealing with others changes many things.
If I may, I want us to apply this to our reality.
أركان العلاقات
Nowadays, the influence of the west is present, as you’ve repeatedly mentioned. It is a thing now; we live it.
What you've said is religious, but what about the spiritual aspect of it, regardless of religion?
What is the significance of a spiritual bond? Its opposite is increasing in western societies.
For example, in Britain, irreligious people are the most of British society.
I need to recheck this information, but you get the point. Atheism is rising alongside other trendy spiritual activities, such as meditation and yoga.
Why do humans seek this bond even if they don’t believe in god? Why do humans crave this type of relationship?
The search for a god, an absolute, is an instinct.
It unravels under pressure. Even when disbelievers “board a ship, they supplicate Allah, sincere to him in religion.”
Some irreligious or atheists look to the sky when life gets hard because they search for an absolute entity beyond humanity.
-Why do we have this pressing need? -It is an instinct in human beings. The nature of human beings is to believe in a god and need a god. Which god? This is where people differ.
That’s why messengers were sent to introduce us to this god and identify him for us. God is not only a worshiped and external entity but also found within. To worship one’s own desires.
The modern human being made a god out of desire and pleasure.
What is a god? It is your legislator who tells you what’s right and what’s wrong. Therefore, religion gives you the lawful and the unlawful.
While norms tell you what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
Also, the sense of beauty defines the beautiful and the ugly. All of that isn't applicable anymore.
So, when I dress up, do I ask myself whether my clothes are bought with lawful or unlawful money or if it is modest or not?
No, because it is religious. I don’t care about people’s opinions about whether my clothes are acceptable. Is it beautiful or ugly? It doesn’t matter anymore.
Is it efficient and protects me from the cold? No. The main concern is not that anymore, but whether it is new.
Then fashion and trends became the god of this age, the legislator.
Imagine seeing terrible clothes, by all measures, and the long lines waiting to buy them.
People will defend the beauty they imagined after they fought for it and bought it.
The clothes or bags they saved money to have will lose their social value in a year because they won’t be trendy anymore.
So, are humans in constant need of a god? Yes, they are.
This was the first pillar, the relationship with Allah. -The second is! -The relationship with oneself, as we mentioned: appreciation and acceptance.
-Are you ordering the pillars according to importance? -No, it depends on its context.
In some situations, the order changes. Your relationship with the other becomes prioritized over your relationship with yourself.
-When? -In the cases of altruism.
You prioritize the other. You wouldn’t be able to be altruistic if your relationship with yourself was too strong.
This preference depends on humane situations.
If I had a crucial appointment, but someone was in need, and I preferred to offer them help, this is altruism.
The philosophy is that this preference makes me more appreciative of myself, which results in seeking Allah’s pleasure.
All the types intertwine, and separating between them is not natural to humans.
So, now we're talking about the self. What is this self? Your relationships are parts of yourself.
Your culture, readings, clothes, appearance, hairstyle, name, surname, walk, and possessions are all parts of yourself.
The wise is who can differentiate between appearance and substance.
Another part of the self is its interests. Therefore, we have many relationships based on shared interests.
Both of us could be cheering for the same team, playing the same games, or reading the same books, and our relationship is built by common interests.
The most essential tool for building a relationship is the skills you have.
Why? Because relationships rely on cooperation and mutualism, in Quranic terms: subjugation.
I benefit from you, and you benefit from me. So, the more skills you have, the more you'll be needed. Also, the more independent you are.
English! I do speak. Technology or weather! I have my way with that. History and culture! I am literate. I don’t need anyone.
But the less skilled you are, the more you need people, and you become more dependent.
You will be constantly asking for something that whenever I see your call I'd be like, oh! here he is again, always taking but never giving.
Therefore, your skill level, knowledge, and abilities affect your relationships.
According to Ali R.A, people are three types, the one who helps you is your master, the one you help is your prisoner, and the one who doesn’t need you is your equal.
Being the master all the time will hurt you because you’ll be consumed and disappointed.
Being a prisoner all the time will end you up unwanted.
To be the latter, the equal, isn't realistic or humane. You are a human, so you'll need.
There is a story of a man who prayed, “oh Allah, don’t make me need anyone of your subjects”
Then Imam Ahmed said, "this person asked for his doom" because only being dead means not needing anyone.
So, as long as you live, you will need and be needed. This is the relationship with oneself.
-What is a healthy relationship with oneself? -Not to show the world someone far from who you really are.
According to William James, whenever two people meet, there are really six people present.
There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.
The larger the void between who you are and who you present, the more depression, shame, and a sense of unworthiness you'll feel.
This will affect your relationships, and it will be exposed during the conflicts of beliefs you have with the other.
For example, you welcomed me to this blessed podcast, and I told you that my purpose is changing society for the better. This is what I showed you, ok!
But deep down, I look for profits. In this case ..
-Is that why you asked for money? -No, wallah (I swear) I didn’t.
In this case, I will be exposed, -And if that happened, who would see my real face? -Me, I suppose.
-What will happen then? -I would change the way I see you. No! I will be exposed to my own self.
According to Sartre, when you are alone, you lose the sense of self, its values, beliefs, and atrocity, but when you interact with someone, you feel shame caused by a watchful presence.
How would that be in case this watchful was Allah SWT? When you did this wrongdoing, you didn’t realize its magnitude because you were at peace with your conflicting values,
but when your actions expose you, you will understand that you’re mistaken. Who showed me that? The person I’m interacting with. Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, “The believer is the mirror of his brother”.
So, the wise person doesn’t break the mirror when it reflects a flawed face because it is the mirror’s function.
And please notice that you go to the mirror to see, not otherwise. To fix yourself and ask for advice.
This was the second relationship, the one you have with yourself. Now let’s discuss the relationship with others. -If I may, I want to ask about each relationship. -Yes, you may.
You mentioned that the gap between appearance and reality causes depression. Is that the case whether I see myself as less or more than I am?
علاقة الإنسان بذاته
Yes! Which perception is negative and positive?
The positive one is seeing yourself as lesser than you are. It is being humble, a way of purifying oneself.
Umar R.A. gathered the Companions and reminded them that he used to be a shepherd. They asked him, "is this what you gathered us for?"
He said, “my self told me that I am Umar, the Commander of the Faithful, so I wanted to remind you that I used to be called Umair.”
This is how to discipline and purify oneself. -What is the negative case? -When this discipline turns into contempt.
The prophet PBUH said, “The believer should not humiliate himself.” They asked: “How could he humiliate himself?” He said, “By taking on a trial that he cannot deal with.”
For example, believing that I can produce a podcast while I can't.
Trying and then failing won’t make me pleased with myself. I would belittle myself because I did something above my powers.
Therefore, self-contempt isn’t a religious, humane, or healthy way to deal with oneself.
On the other hand, thinking highly of myself, as more than I really am, will lead to disappointments.
It would make me lose the sense of limits and accuse whoever wants my well-being with envy and jealousy.
If I claimed to have an ability I don't possess, I would end up in despair. According to the Diener effect, which measures performance,
when a person starts a task with high and baseless confidence but fails, he will be at the lowest confidence level.
The question is, why feel confident? For example, when elementary students are asked, who would want to participate in the broadcast?
They all raise their hands excitedly. That is because they have no idea what it is.
When your child tries to help you to carry heavy things thinking he can, but he can’t and doesn’t know it. Or trying to swim without even knowing how to swim.
-Why do they feel they can? -Ignorance? Because of ignorance. Sometimes, confidence is driven by ignorance.
But when they try, they find out their limits. After failing, people will divide into two types, some will stay down,
and others will climb up and learn to strengthen their relationships with themselves to gain true confidence.
There is an Arabic saying, “two will attempt to public speak, the one who is excellent and aware of his skills and the fool who has no clue what he’s doing.”
That’s why it is necessary to learn our limitations and boundaries, even with other people.
Relationships are a constant state of approaching and distancing, knowing what to do and when to do it.
How to take space just to the point of missing each other, not abandonment.
How to get close just to the point of embracing each other, not clinging. Because sometimes being too close leads to rejection. We will talk about that later.
Yes, we will. I just wanted to discuss the relationship with oneself a bit more. What you have said sounds logical.
I remember reading somewhere that intelligent people hesitate more than ignorant people.
While the latter have higher chances of success only because of their impulses. Sometimes, you need this ignorance to make an impulsive step before it scares you.
Maybe it is so simple that being hesitant doesn't make sense. So, how to manage that?
Excellent! If you know more, you hesitate more.
Because you measure everything with the big picture in mind. For example, someone would ask you, Abu Omar, how do you make podcasts?
What will you start explaining? Unlike a person who had a previous impulsive experience in podcasts.
Ignorance helped this person to try. But did this ignorance provide any knowledge? That is the distinguishing factor.
It didn’t provide any knowledge, just a deformed attempt. On the other hand, an intelligent person can have an authentic experience, but only when he doesn't exaggerate his hesitation.
It was said that being afraid before trying is a weakness.
Why are you afraid? You didn’t even try. Why don’t you try?
Because you’d say I’m a fool. This is the nature of all beginnings. It is the hardest and the most awkward part.
You must accept not doing well at first because this is how you will improve yourself.
Each of us has a first day. The first day of driving is remembered as a joke, but at that time, it was a matter of life and death.
It is simpler now. It became a tale in his success story.
A first day of podcasting, a first day of teaching, a first day of work, and a first day of engagement.
They were overwhelming days full of hesitation, which is normal. How to differentiate between self-love and arrogance?
There is a difference between loving oneself and not, but arrogance is compared to ..
-Confidence! -Yes. Confidence is believing in the ability while having it. Simply!
To believe that you can, and you actually can.
I believe that I have the ability in the present moment according to my past experiences and my optimism.
I want to produce a podcast, so I rely on my previous recording experience. Then, I start, by Allah’s will, feeling that I can do it.
If a person lacks experience, he would be pushed by his optimism to become confident.
So, it is the feeling of existing power. -Is being confident always a good thing? -Yes.
Arrogance is believing in a non-existing ability.
An arrogant might claim he can beat his enemies but end up beaten. He's full of himself.
-Maybe he was motivated by his optimism! -But there is no ability. He doesn’t have the experience or prediction of his success, so he’s mistaken.
Now that we discussed two types, we have a couple left. Not believing in the ability while having it. This is the self-contempt we talked about.
He’d refuse to take a shot even if he was proven to have the talent and prefers the backstage.
-How to fix that? -We’re left with the fourth type. Not believing in the ability and not having it. This is the Awareness.
-Excellent. -To know what I’m good at and what I’m not. According to Ibn Khaldun, knowing that you don’t know is knowledge in itself.
How to heal self-contempt?
It is treated by two approaches: complimenting and developing.
Complimenting is looking back on my experiences and relying on my past success.
Usually, evaluating yourself is a selective process.
It’s like holding a torch and looking into a dark room that contains messy and tidy parts.
The self-aware one sees it all and makes a wise judgment.
While the one who sheds light on the messy side only will make a poor judgment.
Another one would only choose to see the tidy side and think everything is beautiful, which is wrong too.
When I’m self-deprecating, I have to look at the compliments of the past, the achievements, to calm down.
Then start developing and improving myself, but how?
This word is overused and sounds complicated, but it is very simple.
Start small! We like huge achievements, but the smaller steps will fuel persistence
and arm us with evidence that we are much more than what people think of us.
When others try to put you down, you will be invincible. The difference between youngsters and adults is that children act blindly and depend on our description.
We tell them whether they are good or not either by our behavior or our verbal reinforcement.
Adults are, however, still get affected by that. Allah says to prophet Muhammad PBUH “We certainly know that your heart is truly distressed by what they say.”
So, they are still undoubtedly affected, but the history of their achievements can help them control themselves.
We can’t shut their mouths, but can close our ears and be less affected by their comments.
It is impossible to stop them from saying something hurtful to us. There are people who speak irreverently about Allah, their creator, giver, and protector.
They said, “Allah is tight-fisted” and “Allah is poor”. They did that to the prophet PBUH as well. So, what about you and me?
When prophet Musa asked Allah to hold people’s mouths, so they don’t speak ill of him,
Allah replied, “Musa, that is something I did not decree to myself”. They can and will talk, so you must be prepared for such things.
Why would a person love or hate himself? Why do you find a person who always loves himself and another who always hates it?
Anyone who yearns to love and grew up in an unfulfilling home, with unloving caretakers
is thirsty and willing to drink any drop of love regardless of its impurity.
When a person is starving, he eats the crumbs of people’s compliments and puts on a foolish mask to have their acceptance.
The question is, what made him like that? It is a long story, and I wanted to talk more about relationships.
-We’ll get there, we have the whole night. -Until dawn? -Until dawn. -Inshallah! When we were little, we felt special, and we were cherished by our families,
so we develop a sense of worthiness and feel beautiful and accepted. They drink and eat after me. They hug and kiss me, so I must be a good person.
I learn that I’m a welcomed human being through your behavior and reinforcements as a caretaker.
I know my worthiness through your longing for me when I’m not around. That’s why some children hide to see if someone would look for them.
By the way, this behavior is also seen in adults, but through different strategies.
Did someone miss me or not?
This little human was born, welcomed, loved, and treated with prizes and praises.
Then the baby human feels safe seeing someone and anxious if she’s absent.
They discover later that this someone is called a mother. When they cry, this familiar face appears, and this person holds them.
When they’re in pain, this pain of hunger goes away when this person holds them.
So, this baby associates survival with the presence of others.
It is a significant moment in the life of humans. It starts before that. When the umbilical cord was cut, you became responsible for yourself.
No one will give you unless you ask. This baby notices that when he's crying, hungry, or in pain, someone holds and helps him. So, he develops this association.
After a little while, this someone with a mustache appears. He learns that this person is called a father. He’s an annoying person at first. He picks him up a lot, pokes, and plays with him.
Later, he realizes that this person is not so bad after all. He takes him out to new places, breaks the rules, and lets him eat sweets.
He grows up and finds out there are people called siblings. This is another significant moment.
This social relationship with siblings is transactional. Get this, and we’ll let you play with us! Do that, and we’ll give you what you want.
This significant moment is when he realizes that saying no makes him rejected.
He understands that pleasing others protects him from rejection, so he obeys his siblings.
Once I didn’t obey them, they ate without sharing and teased me. I don’t want to feel this way again, so I always should obey them.
Then, it becomes applicable to later stages of life, like going to school or having guests.
When we had guests, the house changed. This is another significant moment. There was cleaning and tidying, What happened? Why did we become better now?
Because there was the other. Who without, we were less of people.
So, we need to upgrade ourselves for this other. Take a shower, wear this, don’t speak, clean up, do your hair, and sit straight!
What is all that for, daddy? For the other. So, pleasing this other equals pleasing my parents. And pleasing my parents equals my survival.
This other starts to be magnified that he becomes the source of safety.
The problem with the other who ensures my safety, Abu Omar, is that he can be cross with me.
It is like pressing the brakes and accelerator pedals all at once and burning out because the source of safety is now a source of pain and fear.
Pleasing them becomes confusing. So he starts to generalize this and applies it to every other relationship.
Then, I start to identify myself in comparison and accordance with others.
Whenever you magnify others, you become smaller and smaller.
There is no big or small unless it is put to comparison.
For example, this cup is small compared to the size of the studio but large compared to the size of a bean.
It keeps changing size according to what I compare it with. So, when I magnify people, I become small. I lose my value in their presence.
On the contrary, reducing others and magnifying myself is, according to prophet Muhammad PBUH, called pride.
“Pride amounts to disclaiming truth out of self-esteem, and despising people” I fix that by treating people as they are, humans, who can’t protect or benefit themselves, and won’t be able to do it for me.
A poet once said to prophet Muhammad that his poems could insult him or praise him, but PBUH said, “Only Allah can do this.”
So, when you are being bullied, see it as a scene from a hidden camera show.
Remember how people seemed angry in these shows and then laughed? Because the scene wasn’t reality.
This life is a hidden camera show. People’s feelings cannot affect me. We’re all here to fulfill what Allah intended for us.
Neither of us has any capacity to humiliate nor glorify anyone. Through this mentality, I won’t be affected by anyone because I see them as who they actually are.
When Al Awzai was summoned by the ruler, he said that he wore his shroud preparing for his death.
Upon his entrance, people covered themselves against the anticipated bloodshed, but he was safe and welcomed.
When he was asked about what he did to avoid death, he said that he was terrified because he knew the ruler was angry with him.
“But when I saw the ruler on his throne, I thought of Allah on his throne, so he was reduced to the size of a fly.”
The ruler can’t even help himself; it is all in Allah’s hands. When you idolize people, you give them the power of god over you.
When you think that your boss has power over you or that your job interview puts your future at stake, you idolize them.
They are only here to fulfill what Allah intended for you. So, people self-contempt when they expect validation from others.
The modern human being’s value comes from external validation and recognition.
They became balloons need others to inflate them with external validation. The problem is these balloons float toward a needle factory.
You won’t be immune to people’s criticism. The one who inflated you is the one who can pop you with one word.
So, you need to value yourself, seek Allah’s pleasure, elevate your morals, and leave people to their creator.
لماذا تحب نفسك؟
How do you know that you have a good relationship with yourself? One of the big signs is knowing your rights and your limits.
Umar R.A., who scared the devil, was coming, so children fled upon seeing him, except for Ibn Zubair.
Umar asked him why he didn’t flee with his friends, and he replied, “If the way was narrow, I’d step away to make space for you to pass.
And I haven’t done anything wrong to fear you.” Knowing your rights and your boundaries is a great sign that you love yourself.
As well as normalizing mistakes. It’s ok to make mistakes because I’m a flawed human being.
The perfection of human beings is owning their imperfect nature. If they don’t admit their flawed nature, they only prove it, for Allah is the only perfect.
Seeking perfection is imperfect in itself. There's a difference between accepting imperfection and settling for it.
Owning my imperfect nature should empower me to do better and be better.
Seeking perfection is the obsession of this day and age because of the intense scrutiny and bullying
There is an easy way to victimize people through a medium without taking accountability. I can dislike your content and insult you without a moral burden.
I just made fun of you and bullied you, and it ends here for me. -I can’t even know how it made you feel! -The story just ended for me but started for you.
Your pain and suffering are irrelevant because there is a medium that distances me from the consequences.
In addition to knowing our rights and limits, we have a sense of moderate self-worth.
I know I’m entitled to learn, make mistakes, ask questions, and speak my mind, but that is restrained by timing and attitude.
The other sign is not to be ashamed of anything normal.
Such as the way you look, your hair, acne, baldness, tribe, or your car.
Some people park their cars away out of shame or become self-conscious because coffee was spilled on their clothes.
I love you, not your clothes, so don’t worry. The other sign is being yourself. It is painful to behave according to other people.
To wear a small painful shoe just for people’s admiration.
Find your comfort, not theirs. So, self-acceptance is a sign.
-Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you stop improving yourself. -How is that? An overweight person avoids social gatherings and feels bad in the plane’s small seats. Then, he isolates himself, gets unhealthier, and more frustrated.
This is not acceptance; acceptance is to joke about it.
To answer people's questions about my weight with, “before you asked or after?”. I accept and join gatherings, but I should always try to be in better health.
When I go to the gym self-accepting, I will be fueled by the right motivation.
It doesn't matter if they get in shape now or a year later because they enjoy the journey.
Otherwise, it would be a daunting pursuit. Loving yourself is to accept yourself and speak your truth, to be a child.
A child in the skin of a man who expresses his needs comfortably.
Has pure joy and feels proud and safe, and loves life. This is self-acceptance.
How to find my mirror? The person you ask for advice should have three traits.
Wise, knows you well, and knows the matter you ask about. Just the three.
Prophet Muhammad said, “You will find the worst among the people a double-faced person who appears to some people with one face and to others with another face.”
I didn’t understand it well and found it difficult to appear with one face.
I show a face with my friends that I don’t show in serious situations. Until I heard its explanation from Ibn Uthaymeen. He said that the muslin should appear to people with one face.
If it was a good face, he'd be encouraged. And if it was a bad one, he’d be supported to become a better person.
To be a better person, you must be truthful to yourself in front of the right people.
When I want my teeth fixed, I go to the dentist. Although I have a beautiful smile, I tell him that I have cavities hidden because it’s his specialty.
Yet, I don’t scream in an irrelevant social gathering that I have cavities to be truthful and transparent.
Some people have hidden sins and confess on social media to be truthful and self-accepting. It’s not like that.
You should choose the one who will help and guide you when you want to be truthful and honest. This is how you ask for advice.
When you talk, sometimes your analogies are relevant to modern humans, but also, you quote from Quran and Hadith.
What’s the difference between western personalities and Islamic personalities?
Abu Omar, when you mix lemon juice and Zamzam water, the resulting liquid is neither lemon juice nor Zamzam water.
This is the modern Muslim who has Islamic values and western values mixed.
These western values exploded in different times and places, but we still inhale its gases whether we like it or not.
We’re as exposed to it as everyone else in the world. Our immune systems determine how deeply it affects us.
When you go to a beautiful furniture shop and find a beautiful chair, you imagine it would be perfect for your home.
But when it’s in your home, it doesn’t go well with your furniture. Why is that? Because you didn’t buy the chair, but you bought the entire scene.
The beautiful setup in the store fooled you.
So does the case of western culture. You can’t just pick one value, but the entire package.
When a person goes to the beach indecently dressed, people will stare.
Complaining about the stares is Zamzam while appearing that way is the juice. What a peculiar mix!
If you want to dress like that, accept the stares, and take the whole package. When you behave decently, people will.
It depends on how you see it. -Let’s talk about modern relationships if I have your permission. -Ok.
علاقات الإنسان المعاصر
In a lengthy journey. First, the effect of atheism on relationships.
We mentioned how the absence of the watchful. the Day of Judgment, and morals won't make us treat each other properly.
After atheism, we discuss scientism. Foucault said that the person who was born in the eighteenth century did not exist yet
because he was born with the quantitative research in humanities. So, they were reduced to cells, tissues, and numbers.
How sad are you, from one to ten? Scientism brought rationalism and philosophical theories.
Humans are confused between Hobbes's wolves, Pavlov’s dog, Darwin’s monkey, Machiavelli’s fox, Spinoza’s stone, Nietzsche’s dead god, and the white paper of John Locke.
The is the human being in the modern definition, that takes form in our lives.
Then, materialism gutted humans and reduced them to appearances.
Isn’t marriage, for example, a bond of souls? Why is the whole dowry spent on bodies, furniture, and traveling?
Use it to take courses on marriage and read more about it. Ask Allah for guidance and success.
No! I only want the appearance, not the substance. Appearance became an obsession even in a relationship with oneself.
Some girls’ greatest achievement is their bodies. As well as the guys who dress indecently to show their muscles.
Some guys go to the gym to build masculine bodies and smoke a cigarette on the way out
because they don’t seek fitness and health; they want appearance.
After materialism, comes freedom. I am free to do what I want, excused by “still, didn’t hurt anyone”.
The Islamic philosophy is not to be all free to do what we want, but it is the western philosophy of freedom and possession.
The extreme form of worshiping Allah is to be free from anyone but Allah; you are his servant, which is the actual freedom.
The extreme form of freedom is to be enslaved. If you want to measure the freedom of possession, ask if they are so free that they can sell their bodies.
Aren't you free to use your time and body however you want?
If the answer is yes, they are slaves, and if it is no, they are not free. So, they're not free whatsoever.
This freedom of not submitting to a legislator that is beyond the lawful and the unlawful; to submit to one’s desires.
Why did you buy this or wear that? Because I liked it. "I liked it” is the only answer, but lawful and unlawful are out of the picture.
After that, relativism. When we are all free, truth becomes relative. Relationship preferences became relative.
There was a time when the norm of generosity and hospitality was to feed your guests a sheep.
Nowadays, they offer burgers you grill yourself and advise you to add cheese and salad.
As a guest, it might seem like an insult, but my host sees it as hospitality. They believe that being hospitable is making the guests comfortable.
They believe that the priority is their comfort.
In other cases, some would throw a feast that might be more expensive than a sheep.
Which is generosity? Is it the one in my perception or yours? This is relativism.
There is no norm anymore that I can predict your boundaries.
Freedom and relativism made the way for individualism.
Each of us is on our own. I'm happy on my own because according to relativism, you won't understand me
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