Summary of everyones feedback
Pacing and Structure (Act 1 is too long/expositional, inciting incident needs to be earlier): Gem: "the beginning could be cut down". Karen: "I'm not really understanding until it's too far into the story that Bridget's mom is sick". "Bridget and Mick marrying seems to happen a little too quickly, may need a montage or time jump or something to understand maybe more time has gone by, or that they're really in love or something". Connor: "Long first act delays central narrative drive". "The first act sets up characters well but risks sagging under exposition". "Rebalance the structure by bringing Bridget’s physical/mental change earlier and integrating folklore dramatizations into the first act". "Act I: Establishes myth, characters, and setting well but takes too long to arrive at the inciting incident (Bridget’s illness/disappearance)". "The film takes a while to define its central narrative drive". "The supernatural thread should surface earlier and build with tension". "Move up the mushroom ring/disappearance scene or give us an eerie supernatural encounter sooner to hook the audience". Mick's Character Arc and Motivation (His descent needs clearer explanation and justification): Karen: "How does he suddenly morph into this monster? What's instigating this change?". "Or if he's really convinced it's not her, then we need to see more why he thinks that". "And why does he trust this Jack man so much?". "Right now the monster he becomes seems so out of character considering he did his all to protect Bridget since childhood, so why does he really not think it's her? And why is he trusting other people over her?". "I'd think with Mick you'd want the audience to love him from the beginning, and be rooting for him, only to be horrified by what he turns into, but we need to understand the change". Ian Moffett: "A clearer show of his descent into madness/why?". "Could there be more indication of why Mick might mistrust Dr Crean/modern medicine and/or be more drawn to superstition?". Connor: "Mick’s arc is powerful but needs clarity—his descent must be tragic, not villainous". "Mick must choose: reason or belief, love or control". Visual Storytelling, Less Dialogue-Heavy, and Sharpening Genre Identity: Gem: "I think jacks monologue is too dense". Connor: "More screen description in general...like prose. In first scene". "Heavy reliance on dialogue and oral storytelling (risks static visuals)". "The script effectively straddles a line between psychological drama and folk horror, grounded in rich Irish cultural traditions. However, the genre identity should be sharpened. Embracing folk horror more overtly—especially in the second half—would give the film clearer market appeal in the vein of The Witch, The Banshees of Inisherin, or SaintMaud". "The film is at its best when these ideas are dramatized through action and metaphor rather than exposition". "Too Dialogue-Heavy in Places. Several scenes are static or “stagey”—especially in the pub and home. There’s great material here, but it needs to be externalized visually to maintain cinematic momentum". "He means: Opening scene, church scene". "Embrace folk horror as the primary genre". "Expand Visually Expressive Sequences. Use hallucinations, dreams, fairy visuals, or subjective camera to lean into horror/mystery". "Make the Sí world feel cinematic, eerie, seductive, and terrifying". Gem
Unpleasant stuff
Reminds me of a story I read of a family in America doing something similar the wife who they thought was possessed
If I had to suggest edits I'd say the beginning could be cut down - I think jacks monologue is too dense
But dialogue good
If I watched it as a film I would find it too grim to enjoy
But I won't suggest you amend that as it seems quite key to the nature of the story
The hopeful beggar romance leading to horror
Jeremy
It's quite good, I was really into it the whole way.
This part I found maybe a bit weird, like that seemed a bit of a modern concern, "are you looking after yourself? getting out?" But I don't know enough about history and how people lived back then but it made me wonder if they actually cared about mental health and if they would phrase it like this.
Honestly it's hard to give you any feedback, I thought it was quite good.
I was wondering if it would go full fantasy horror at one point but it's actually more terrifying that way
Karen
Jesus that's dark!
It's pretty good all round.
A few things you may want to consider:
- I'm not really understanding until it's too far into the story that Bridget's mom is sick. Like when does that start, and what is it exactly?
- Bridget and Mick marrying seems to happen a little too quickly, may need a montage or time jump or something to understand maybe more time has gone by, or that they're really in love or something. Given the ending, I think it'll be important to grow this love from the start of the film, so that the ending really is shattering
- is their secret ceremony actually in line with something of the times? Also, should there be a witness there? Maybe one of her cousins or something? It would also add impact to the ending scenario of her family being there for her marriage and her end
- there may need to be a bit more of a hinting throughline through the story re the Other People (Si). Right now they're at the beginning and at the end, so perhaps more foreshadowing of weirdness? e.g. Bridget speaks later about how she's always been worried about the curse, but we never really know that till she says it and that scene is much later in the story. Also is Mick ever wary about them before he suspects his wife?
- so this is the main dilemma I have at the moment: currently, Bridget is the one that seems a little weird or different from the beginning, whereas Mick seems to be a decent guy since childhood. How does he suddenly morph into this monster? What's instigating this change? If it's his love for Bridget, for example, we need to understand more deeply (and from the beginning really) that he loves her that much. Or if he's really convinced it's not her, then we need to see more why he thinks that. And why does he trust this Jack man so much? Right now the monster he becomes seems so out of character considering he did his all to protect Bridget since childhood, so why does he really not think it's her? And why is he trusting other people over her? I'd think with Mick you'd want the audience to love him from the beginning, and be rooting for him, only to be horrified by what he turns into, but we need to understand the change (or does he suddenly become crazy, but when where's that from?).
And then complementary to this, why isn't Bridgit more pleading when she's being accused of not being herself? At least in the beginning? In the end, I get it she's pissed, but before then she's more just sick and blank, then upset that no one believes that it's her. Also does she want to take the Doctor's medicine if she knows she’s just sick and it’s really is her? Or does she doubt that she's herself and think she's going mad too?
I think her character could use a little development as right now she's more of a foil to Mick than her own self.
Hope this helps! Can also tell me to f off if you don't agree with any of the above.
Ian Moffett
So I liked it overall. I liked the pacing, the build, and the dramatic ending. Is there such a genre as Irish Gothic Horror? You might have just invented it.
I've three main thoughts really:
Could there be more indication of why Mick might mistrust Dr Crean/modern medicine and/or be more drawn to superstition? A clearer show of his descent into madness/why?
Some more suggestions/hint at dark spirits/omens in the middle section? Like something sinister lurking in the background (around the dance?), so we haven't fully forgotten the opener.
Was a bit confused about the scene cuts on the night of the exorcism - might just be my reading though. Who all were coming in and out of the house and doing what.
Could some of the lesser characters be consolidated? WIlliam, Minnie, James, Johanna. It might work better visually, but I was losing track of who they all were.
Also, if it turns out you've upset the fairies over this, you're on your own.
GEMINI
Okay, here's a breakdown of your screenplay, "Bridget Cleary: Fairy Good People," focusing on plot, character, and structure, with suggestions for improvement:
Overall Impression
The screenplay has a strong foundation with its exploration of Irish folklore, the clash of tradition and modernity, and the tragic story of Bridget Cleary. The use of Irish vernacular adds authenticity. However, it needs some tightening and clarifying, especially in the second act, to fully achieve its potential.
Plot
The central conflict is compelling: the clash between ancient beliefs in fairies and the "modern" world of 19th-century Ireland, leading to the horrific mistreatment of Bridget. The inciting incident (Bridget's illness and Mick's belief she's been replaced by a changeling) effectively sets the tragedy in motion. The ending is powerful and disturbing, true to the historical event. The pacing in the second act sometimes lags. The buildup to the climax could be more suspenseful. Some plot points could be clearer. For example, the exact nature of Bridget's illness and the reasons behind Mick's growing obsession could be more defined. Tighten the Second Act: Focus on streamlining the events leading to Bridget's death. Consider cutting subplots or scenes that don't directly contribute to the central conflict. Clarify Mick's Obsession: Explore his psychological state in greater depth. Is it purely superstition, or are there other factors at play (jealousy, insecurity, etc.)? Showing this internal conflict will make his actions more compelling (and disturbing). Enhance Suspense: Build more tension as Mick's belief intensifies. Use foreshadowing and unsettling events to create a sense of dread. Character
Bridget: She is portrayed as a strong, independent woman, which makes her fate all the more tragic. Mick: He is a complex character, driven by a mix of love, fear, and superstition. Jack: The Seanachai is a compelling figure, representing the power of folklore and tradition. Some of the supporting characters (e.g., Pat, Brida, Mary) could be more developed. Mick's transformation from a loving husband to a violent man feels somewhat abrupt. Flesh Out Supporting Characters: Give them stronger motivations and backstories. This will enrich the world of the story and make their reactions to the central conflict more meaningful. Deepen Mick's Character Arc: Show the gradual erosion of his sanity. Add scenes that hint at his inner turmoil and the growing influence of superstition. Structure
The screenplay generally follows a traditional three-act structure. The opening with the Seanachai effectively establishes the themes of folklore and the "otherworld." The pacing in the second act is uneven. Some scenes feel repetitive or unnecessary. Re-evaluate Scene Order: Ensure that each scene builds tension and moves the plot forward. Tighten Dialogue: Cut unnecessary lines and focus on dialogue that reveals character and advances the plot. Use of Irish Vernacular
The use of Irish vernacular is a major strength, adding authenticity and flavor to the dialogue. In a few places, the vernacular might be difficult for a non-Irish audience to understand. Balance Authenticity with Clarity: Ensure that the dialogue remains understandable. Consider occasional use of subtitles or context clues to help the audience grasp the meaning of unfamiliar phrases. Rating
I'd rate this screenplay as a 7/10. It has strong potential with its captivating subject matter, rich cultural context, and authentic voice. However, it needs further refinement in terms of pacing, plot clarity, and character development to fully realize that potential.
Top Three changes Gemini
Okay, if I had to choose three specific changes to make to your screenplay to enhance it, they would be:
Deepen Mick's Character Arc: Specific Change: Add scenes throughout the second act that show Mick's growing obsession and internal conflict. Why: Currently, Mick's descent into believing Bridget is a changeling feels somewhat abrupt. We see his love for her, but we need to see more of his vulnerability to superstition and the insidious influence of Jack's tales. Show Mick struggling with Bridget's increasing independence and success, perhaps feeling emasculated or insecure. This could make him more susceptible to the idea that the "real" Bridget has been replaced. Include scenes where Mick seeks out Jack or others to discuss his fears, showing him being drawn further into the world of folklore and superstition. Depict moments where Mick is torn between his love for Bridget and his growing paranoia. This will make his actions more complex and tragic. Tighten and Clarify the Illness Narrative: Specific Change: Refine the depiction of Bridget's illness. Make it clearer what ails her and how it deteriorates. Why: The nature of Bridget's illness is somewhat vague. Is it a physical ailment, a mental health issue, or a combination? Clarifying this will strengthen the plot and make Bridget's suffering more visceral. It will also help ground Mick's reaction; is he reacting to a genuine decline, or is his superstition completely untethered from reality? Consult historical sources on 19th-century illnesses to give Bridget's condition a basis in reality. Show the progression of her symptoms more clearly. Is there fever, weakness, confusion, or something else? Use medical terms of the time, perhaps with explanations in parentheses, to enhance authenticity. Contrast any real symptoms with Mick's interpretation of them through the lens of folklore (e.g., "She's weak, but he sees it as the fairy's draining her life force"). Enhance the Tension and Build-Up to the Climax: Specific Change: Restructure the scenes leading up to the final confrontation to create more suspense and a sense of impending doom. Why: The screenplay needs to more viscerally convey the growing sense of dread. Increase the frequency of unsettling events or omens. Emphasize Bridget's growing fear and isolation. Use sound design and visual language to create a more ominous atmosphere. Consider a scene where the community's doubts and fears escalate, creating a mob mentality that contributes to the tragedy. Shorten scenes that don't contribute to the rising tension.
