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ADHD at FLF

A testimonial by a student at FLF with diagnosed ADHD

The following is a testimonial by an anonymous student from the faculty of Philology with diagnosed ADHD. The student in question used topic cues to describe, in writing, their experience with each of the topics in as much detail as they felt was necessary.

1. SUBTYPE OF ADHD

“I have combined ADHD but I have more inattentive traits than hyperactive ones. Nonetheless, I technically have enough to qualify for both. It presented differently depending on the period of my life. In general, though, there are some tendencies I’ve had since I can remember that haven’t gone away, except for slightly better management of them in public over the years.

On the inattentive end, I struggle greatly with paying attention to people while they speak. This applies to both personal and professional settings. Even if I’m trying to listen, my mind trails off and by the time I notice, it feels too late to ask them to repeat themselves. Verbal instructions are almost impossible to follow. Due to this, employers, teachers and even friends have accused me of deliberately not paying attention, or have been visibly frustrated with me. I trail off when dealing with written text too, but the reason it’s preferable is because I can re-read it without inconveniencing anyone. Speaking of which, I cannot hold my attention when reading much either, especially if the text is small and there’s a lot of it on one page. I often get lost mid-page because I either forgot what I was reading or I skipped a line by accident. However, it is possible to get myself to read when adjusting the font and layout.

Another inattentive aspect of mine is that I have very little control over when I can focus. I am unable to force concentration when it is not already activated. Any attempts to absorb information before it is ready results in poor comprehension. The only way I have found focusing is possible for me is intense interest or fear-induced pressure that gives me enough adrenaline to temporarily activate my attention. But even in such cases, focus is not always guaranteed. Sometimes for whatever reason, nothing works until it decides to.

Forgetfulness is also a big symptom. Unless I set alarms, I can forget plans I’ve made that day, and I’ve even forgotten exam dates. I’ve turned in several projects late because I simply either forgot the deadline or forgot that I have a project. I’ve even lost friendships because I kept forgetting to stay in touch. I forget basic household tasks much the same way. I have alarms reminding me to do basic things to take care of myself and my home (an example of this is reminding myself to eat with several alarms). Sometimes even when I do remember, something makes me feel too paralyzed to do them, but simply forgetting is more common for me.

On the more hyperactive end, I have always hated sitting still. For example, I have always preferred to go somewhere on foot over sitting and waiting for a bus, even if the latter takes far less time. When walking isn’t an option, I learned to mitigate this by pacing around the bus stop while waiting, or watching/listening to something. However, this did not get expressed outwardly in school or work because of pressure to be compliant. Having said that, a big portion of my mental energy is spent trying really hard to be still, and I would often stim in my seat. At home, I pace around the house or lay down more often than I sit. Another example of my hyperactive tendencies is that I would often unintentionally interrupt people while they spoke and I also used to speak very fast. As an adult I control this better, but it is my natural inclination. With authority figures or people that I’m not close to, I can overcorrect and come across as too quiet or reserved. Another hyperactive aspect is that I cannot focus on media if it is slow. If the option to play something at twice the speed is available, I always do it. I noticed the same applies to other aspects of my life. I pay attention better to things when they’re fast.

I have more symptoms, but these impact me the most overtly in my daily life.”

2. GRADES 1 to 3

“It varied a lot depending on the stage of education. For example, in primary school, from grades one to three, I mostly managed. I always forgot things (books, supplies, homework, material etc.), but my teacher could tell I was trying, and I was well behaved, so this was rarely held against me. I also had very involved parents who would come to school to bring me things, or would force me to call a friend to ask what our homework was. The material was fairly simple at this point, and there were no grades yet, so I did well on written exams, though I was always the last to hand it over because I often lost focus during tests. However, even in the first grade, I never paid attention to what the teacher was saying in class. I was completely zoned-out every single day and only studied at home before tests, which was the first time I ever engaged with the material. This wasn’t obvious until the teacher would ask me a question in class, at which point I’d stare quietly because I was lost. Other such instances of this were oral presentations or assessments, which I did very poorly on. I would either forget words despite knowing them or forget what I was saying mid sentence, leading to long periods of silence where I would get stared at and barely get any help. This part would actually persist all throughout my educational experience from primary school to college, and it made me wrongfully get labeled as shy. Meetings with parents would result in them being advised to help me gain confidence. On that note, my behavior was labeled as strange from peers, and I was often excluded or mocked. Despite my decent performance on tests, I came across as generally clueless to other children. Overall, this period of my life was marked more by social exclusion over academic failure, but the cracks were present academically as well.”

3. GRADES 4 to 8

“At this point, we finally started getting grades, so there was more pressure. In the fourth grade, I still did well, because the material was very simple and the scale was very lenient. I got all sorts of grades on the tests themselves, but I ended up with a good grade average at the end due to good behavior and last-minute studying. I was also helped by my parents for as long as the material was simple enough for them to know the answers to. Throughout the latter half of elementary school, it would get harder to keep up with each passing year, as more focus was required for the subjects. A lot of my grades were based on the fact that the school had several make-up tests, but I often got poor initial scores. I also continued being among the last to hand over a test because I often missed or forgot to return to certain questions.

Most teachers still saw me as shy, because of the lack of class participation, poor performance on oral assessments and zoning out, which helped me get more chances to improve my grades, because I managed to stay quiet and not disrupt class activities, despite my lack of involvement. I got away with good grades again at this stage, but I focused even less in class than I did in the first half of elementary school, and I had to take several second and third chances to get my final grades. Nonetheless, the words “lazy and unmotivated” started emerging from teachers and parents around this stage. My parents would notice my lack of initiative for homework and studying, and would point it out to me. Some teachers began to lose patience for constant forgetfulness and lack of attention, but would ultimately give me more chances because they had far more disruptive students to worry about. When it comes to my relationship with my peers, life was slightly better at this stage, because I slowly learned to pay attention to social surroundings. I was still considered unusual and somewhat clueless, but I was less overtly excluded. Overall, this stage served as one of the last points where my ADHD symptoms didn’t terribly impact my academic performance.”

4. HIGH SCHOOL

“This was the point where I was finally overtly suffering academically. Keep in mind, at the end of elementary school, I was not aware that I had ADHD, because I had enough help from home, simple enough subjects and enough teacher leniency for it to not get noticed (along with the prevalent stereotype that ADHD always means hyperactive or that you’d be failing every class). Because of my decent grades in elementary school, I qualified for a high school with higher grade requirements, and an expectation for a more consistent work ethic.

I finally noticed I had a problem when I entered an environment where the material was now too detailed to get away with skimming over, when the teachers weren’t interested in second chances, and where lack of consistent engagement with the material was overtly punished. All of a sudden, the fact that I could not focus no matter what study methods I tried was a glaring issue. The material was too dense and the tests were too detailed for me to get away with my previous methods. The text in the books was smaller, and it was more packed with information. It used phrases I could not understand because of their wording, even if I knew the meaning of the vocabulary itself. Of course, I never heard anything the teachers said in class, despite my best efforts, so I only learned the content at home before the test, as usual. Except this time, I couldn’t comprehend what I was learning on time because of the aforementioned factors. My adrenaline-induced focus only activated a day or so before assessment dates, which meant there wasn’t enough time to effectively cram the material with my limited focus capacity. However, any attempts I made to study before that window were also completely ineffective. Another frustrating aspect was the complete lack of patience during oral assessments or presentations. Suddenly, forgetting words during oral assessments or forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence got labeled as not knowing the answer, so I sometimes got failed marks even when I did know the material.

My grades faltered immediately. Teachers did not care about my excuses, and behaving well was no longer impressive enough to grant its own merit. I was now only graded based on the actual mastery of the content, which was poor. The content itself wasn’t terrible, as I would often find myself scoring well again on the few occasions that make-up tests were given, or if a test got cancelled last minute and I had more time to study. Even if the content seemed hard to grasp at first, I would eventually catch on after multiple attempts. The problem was the expectation to be ready and productive at all times, which I could not do because I was severely disengaged and also needed more time to piece together the meaning of the material. My class teacher would frequently pull me aside to ask why I’m not studying, and would try to motivate me, but I did not have the vocabulary to articulate why I couldn’t at the time. Other teachers would either not take note of me at all, or would overtly scold my lack of work ethic.

At first, I assumed this was simply because high school was a glaring shift in strictness compared to elementary school, and I was just not used to it. However, other peers who had this problem adapted quickly by adjusting their studying habits. They also still had energy left over to engage in hobbies, frequently go out with friends and live a full life while studying, thus living a balanced life. On the other hand, I was so exhausted from trying (and often failing) to focus on the material in the schoolbooks, that I quit most extracurricular activities and only socialized during school breaks or otherwise uneventful points. All of my energy was spent on trying to improve my poor scores, and it often led to burnout with underwhelming results to show for it. I eventually grew completely unmotivated to do most things. Trying to study and failing to absorb information took most of my time. Other times, I’d give up on trying entirely because the results were the same. This made the scolding from authority figures worse, but it also demotivated me further as a result.

Eventually, with enough pressure and by doing nothing else with my time, I slowly started getting better at selecting what information should be crammed by observing patterns on tests, and I skipped entire school days to avoid tests when I couldn’t meet the demands, which gave me more time to prepare. Overtime, I managed to adjust my grades to levels that were acceptable, but I was not back to my scores from elementary school. The improvements were only possible because my parents could tell I was struggling (even if they didn’t know why and still accused me of laziness), and allowed me to accommodate myself. I often wonder what would have happened if I had been diagnosed by then. Then again, I admittedly have never seen a student in that school get accommodations, so I doubt that would have changed much.

Overall, high school was the biggest wake-up call that the school system was inhospitable for people like me (and honestly, pretty inhospitable even to students who didn’t have my problem, they just adapted better), but I still did not know that there was a name for what I was going through. I also got very little sympathy even from the people who helped me, as the consensus of everyone I spoke to about this simply used the words “lazy” or “undisciplined” when analyzing my problem. I also often wondered if I may have depression or some other unnamed disorder, but ADHD hadn’t crossed my mind yet.”

5. UNIVERSITY

“This was a very interesting point in my academic life. Now, I could leave classrooms without professors commenting, I could move and fidget more freely without fear of scolding, I could study on my own time, at my own pace, and I could decline my grades and try again, or simply not attend the exam until I was ready. Professors were also noticeably less burdened with trying to teach a subject to students who weren’t interested, and many professors (particularly those teaching methodology) actively engaged their classrooms with interesting activities, more so than any elementary or high school teacher did. The faculty of Philology was the point where somebody’s true learning style, when they have free reign over the pace of it, could finally express itself. And for someone like me, it was the point where I learned I had ADHD.

With the new freedom I had, I assumed I’d be much more productive. Now that I was studying a field which I had interest in, and the classes were more engaging than I was used to. However, while I got better grades because I took advantage of the permission to not attend exams that I was unprepared for, I did still suffer with oral examinations when they occurred, for the same reasons as always, and professors would wrongly assume I simply did not know the answers. Thankfully, most of the exams I had were written, or the oral portions did not alter the grades too badly. Nonetheless some of my grades suffered due to this. I also noticed I was falling behind on adult life milestones, and taking a very long time to finish classes. I also still did not have energy to go out or indulge in hobbies while also fulfilling my obligations. In elementary school, I didn’t need to think about that, because I only had a few friends whom I saw occasionally, and in high school, I assumed the lack of energy was because of burnout. So, when I still lacked energy for these things despite feeling good, gaining more social skills and having very little stress, I started to wonder. I also still had trouble taking care of myself and my living space, which I also assumed was due to stress in high school, and did not notice much in elementary school, because my parents took care of me. I would get burned out at part time jobs even when I had plenty of time to spare, and peers worked longer and still had more energy than me.

Once again, those closest to me reiterated that I must be lazy, but this time, I was not fully convinced. I started to suspect depression, so I went to a professional. After several examinations, I was told I have ADHD. This confused me due to the assumptions I had about the disorder, but after having it explained to me and reading more about it, suddenly everything made sense. I was unfortunately informed that the medication offered to people with this disorder was not available in North Macedonia. Which meant that I had to use whatever limited therapy methods, which failed to help me. I tried several forms of therapy but none increased my productivity. After that, I tried asking around about accommodations for ADHD in North Macedonia, but nothing came up. In the end, I decided that for now I would have to live my life at my pace, and do my best while maintaining realistic expectations. I am hopeful medication and accommodations will one day become available so I could at least see if that would change something.

The diagnosis didn’t change anything about my performance or accomplishments, but it did make me stop wondering why I was struggling my life in the ways that I was, and it eradicated some of the shame and guilt I experienced as a result of my tendencies. One day, I hope to find effective therapy or medications, so I can see how much I can do, but in the meantime, I have accepted that I simply function differently and I can’t do anything to change that at the moment without risking my well-being. I will adapt on my own terms and do what I can until proper accommodations are implemented.”

6. PUZZLING

“I will admit, I have been upset since getting educated on this matter. My authority figures, be it teachers or parents, never considered there could be anything wrong with me other than character flaws within my control. While my parents accommodated me anyway, because they witnessed my emotional distress, most of the teachers did not have the ability to help me. In elementary school, they were too focused on punishing children with poor discipline to notice any other abnormality, and those undisciplined students weren’t met with much empathy either. In high school, most teachers were deeply uninterested in the student’s struggles in general, and attributed an inability to achieve results as a personal failure due to lack of effort. In either case, there was limited space for those who diverged from expectations. I witnessed students with visible disabilities getting some leniency on the logistical elements of test-taking (such as letting an injury heal before the test is administered, or allowing oral examinations instead of written ones), but the teachers weren’t particularly understanding if they failed to learn the material either.

Teachers having no knowledge/interest in engaging with students with different educational needs is a big aspect of how myself and many other students struggled. Having said that, I don’t entirely blame them. For one thing, as a teacher-in-training myself, I know how little is actually taught in the teaching programs about disorders or disabilities and how to handle students who have them. We had one psychology and one pedagogy class, and they each only went over basic definitions, but did not elaborate or train us much. We got a simple exam asking for definitions, and that was it. I can’t know if every generation of teachers thus far had equally lacking training, but based on how many teachers I’ve seen handled troubled students, I’d assume so. The methodology, learning strategies and assessment classes were ironically more in depth for these topics, but since that is not their main purpose, there was obviously limited time to dedicate to the subject of disorders and disabilities. In any case, until more in-depth training for working with students is given to young teachers, this problem will likely persist. If it were up to me, I’d make that a mandatory subject for anyone interested in the profession, or at least have a lengthy section on it during psychology and pedagogy classes.

Additionally, even if some teachers are well informed from research done in their own time, the school system in North Macedonia, from what I can tell, is highly inhospitable to empathetic approaches. Children are currently not supplied with all of their books in several schools. Some schools have classes of over 30 students, which makes it almost impossible to focus on every student who may be struggling. Teacher pay is low and teachers are often expected to be authority figures taking control of their students, instead of somebody who will ignite their love for knowledge. Not to mention the fact that there is very little cultural awareness in the country about disorders or different educational needs unless they are in their most severe, blatant forms. Even if one teacher has awareness, the student’s guardians and other teachers may not.

I believe the struggles I faced were worsened by systemic problems, and that even students without disabilities would thrive better in a more hospitable environment. Nobody is truly better off in harsh conditions, but some adapt better than others. Regardless, I believe that at its core, this is due to lack of information and resources. Perhaps a lack of empathy in some cases as well.

So, in short, my wishes for the future are to see better training for teachers, more money and resources being put into schools, and a general awareness for disabilities and different educational needs, which facilitates empathy. And, of course, getting proper medication for everyone, along with proper support outside of school is a huge factor.”

7. ACCOMODATIONS

“Others with ADHD could have different things that help them, but I’ll give mine. A very important one for me is receiving understanding and empathy when I fail to meet demands. It makes me more likely to want to try again, whereas indifference or hostility make me more likely to give up on the subject altogether. Beyond that, there are obvious professional interventions that would likely improve my productivity if made available, but since that is currently not the case, I often have to attempt underwhelming methods to keep focus, which often do not lead to the desired outcomes. As such, consideration and patience are of utmost importance to me.

Then, I’ve noticed I personally perform better in classes of teachers who often check up on me and remind me of deadlines before they are over, and encourage my further participation even if I didn’t meet the initial demands. Even if I had no concentration built up, I would often just do my best to show them I was trying and in general I scored better in their classes. Similarly for classroom activities, teachers could make active attempts to re-engage students they notice aren’t fully present. Ideally with some mentally stimulating activity that reignites attention.

On the more technical side of things, making reading materials have bigger fonts, with more space between lines, and perhaps more lines in bold. A big reason my concentration shuts down when reading is because the content is often too dense and overwhelming. I have noticed I can pay more attention when I read the same material in a changed style like this. Even extra paragraphs that technically don’t make sense structurally would help. Making tests with bigger font sizes would also be a great help. I’ve often missed a question because it was very small and sandwiched between other small questions.

This next one isn’t something I expect to be granted, but in an ideal world, I’d like permission to have a list of things I find impossible to remember as long as they’re not crucial to the topic being tested. One example (out of many), is the classes intended to grade analysis over fact recollection (for instance, literature classes), where I was fully prepared to analyze the given material, but simply could not remember the name of a specific character, even though I recall everything else about them. I simply didn’t register their name and usually didn’t realize it until assessments were underway. I have failed many exams unnecessarily due to blind spots like this. It’s understandable when the subject is based on reciting facts, but I’d like some leg room for subjects where the goal is assessing other aspects, such as critical thinking or analytical skills. Perhaps I could be allowed to get a full mark despite forgetting names as long as I demonstrate I still know the character and analyze them competently.

Finally, I do think there is a place for extended deadlines and exam time, as I was usually the last to hand over my work at every point in my academic life, and I forgot to turn assignments in almost regularly. But they are far down the list compared to these other factors. This is what I could come up with, but I’m sure there are things I am unaware of that would help me greatly. It is my hope that future generations will have the privilege to receive help and understanding from their educational institutions. In the end, I’d assume a professional could help me determine what I need a bit better though. I hope future children with ADHD will have such opportunities.”

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